Funny Quotes

I like doing a funny show where I don't have to act and fall in love with a girl.

Norm MacDonald

I tossed my shoulders and swaggered away, whistling with pleasure. In the gutter I saw a long cigaret butt. I picked it up without shame, lit it as I stood with one foot in the gutter, puffed it and exhaled toward the stars. I was an American, and goddamn proud of it.

John Fante

I saw a close friend of mine the other day...He said, Stephen, why haven't you called me? I said, I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it. He said, How long have you had it? I said, I don't know...my calendar has no sevens on it.

Steven Wright

To begin with, I dined there on Monday, and once a week is quite enough to dine with one's own relations.

Oscar Wilde

LADY BRACKNELLThirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years. Lady Dumbleton is an instance in point. To my own knowledge she has been thirty-five ever since she arrived at the age of forty, which was many years ago now.

Oscar Wilde

I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.

Steven Wright

My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get hisbirthmark until he was eight years old.

Steven Wright

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes solater I can ask him what he meant.

Steven Wright

When I go, I'm flying Air Bizarre. It's a good airline. Youbuy a one way round trip ticket. You leave any Monday, and theybring you back the previous Friday... That way you still havethe weekend.

Steven Wright

(Referring to a glass of water:) I mixed this myself. Twoparts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!

Steven Wright

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Steven Wright

I would do it today because the thing that appealed to me was not necessarily the mechanics of the robot, but it was his personality and how funny and charming he was.

John Badham

I think people like comedies and I think concept driven comedies seem to be working when it's a clear concept and you deliver funny stuff.

Todd Phillips

I'm the only man in the world with a marriage licence made out to whom it may concern.

Mickey Rooney

Those darling byegone times, Mr Carker,' said Cleopatra, 'with their delicious fortresses, and their dear old dungeons, and their delightful places of torture, and their romantic vengeances, and their picturesque assaults and sieges, and everything that makes life truly charming! How dreadfully we have degenerated!

Charles Dickens

I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

Billy Connolly

I think it's actually a misperception that I am a comedic actress. I do more drama than comedy but very little of it has been seen. When you are in big funny movies and they do well and your little part in it kind of explodes people perceive you as a comedian.

Octavia Spencer

If Joy Behar or Sherri Shepherd was a dude, they'd be off TV. They're not funny enough for dudes. What if Roseanne Barr was a dude? Think we'd know who she was?

Adam Carolla

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

Steve Martin

We Hoosiers are excessively optimistic about summer.

John Green