Funny Quotes

A man walked across the moors from Razorback to Lancre town without seeing a single marshlight, head-less dog, strolling tree, ghostly coach or comet, and had to be taken in by a tavern and given a drink to unsteady his nerves.

Terry Pratchett

Why is it that at a bachelor's establishment the servants invariably drink the champagne? I ask merely for information.I attribute it to the superior quality of the wine, sir. I have often observed that in married households the champagne is rarely of a first-rate brand.Good Heavens! Is marriage so demoralizing as that?I believe it is a very pleasant state, sir. I have had very little experience of it myself up to the present. I have only been married once. That was in consequence of a misunderstanding between myself and a young person.

Oscar Wilde

Jewelry takes people's minds off your wrinkles

Sarah Phillips

It was considered at the time a striking proof of virtue in the young king that he was sorry for his father's death;but, as common subjects have that virtue too, sometimes, we will say no more about it.

Charles Dickens

A fashion is nothing but an induced epidemic.

George Bernard Shaw

If you think I'm going to let six people risk their lives - !''because it's the first time for all of us,' said Ron.'This is different, pretending to be me -''Well, none of us really fancy it, Harry,' said Fred earnestly. 'Imagine if something went wrong and we were stuck as specky, scrawny gits forever.'Harry did not smile. 'You can't do it if I don't cooperate, you need me to give you some hair.''Well, that's the plan scuppered,' said George. 'Obviously there's no chance at all of us getting a bit of your hair unless you cooperate.''Yeah, thirteen of us against one bloke who's not allowed to use magic; we've got no chance,' said Fred.

J.K. Rowling

The funny thing is, Dennis Miller got me back into comedy.

Tommy Chong

I never made one of my discoveries through the process of rational thinking

Albert Einstein

If I were you, I'd sue my face for slander.

Terry Pratchett

there is a fine line between sarcasm and hostility, you seemed to have crossed it. What's up?

Cassandra Clare

There is one other reason for dressing well, namely that dogs respect it, and will not attack you in good clothes.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

n.: In Italian, a beautiful lady; in English a deadly poison.

Ambrose Bierce

Of all the trees we could've hit, we had to get one that hits back.

J.K. Rowling

When we criticize in Iran the actions of the government, the fundamentalists say that we and the Bush Administration are in the same camp. The funny thing is that human rights activists and Mr. Bush can never be situated in the same group.

Shirin Ebadi

The small amount of foolery wise men have makes a great show.

William Shakespeare

One day I ran into my girlfriend with my car. She asked me why I didn't ride around her. I told her that I didn't think I had enough gas.

Rodney Dangerfield

Also, I'm sleeping with your mom. Just thought you should know.

Cassandra Clare

Um, uh, gah.

Rick Riordan

There is a proverbial saying chiefly concerned with warning against too closely calculating the numerical value of un-hatched chicks.

Neil Gaiman

When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.

Bill Watterson