Funny Quotes

Sometime later the islanders on a little rimward atoll were amazed to find, washed into their little local lagoon, the wave-rocked corpse of a hideous sea monster, all beaks, eyes and tentacles. They were further astonished at its size, since it was rather larger than their village. But their surprise was tiny compared to the huge, stricken expression on the face of the dead monster, which appeared to be have been trampled to death.

Terry Pratchett

I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and said, Hey, you have two different colored socks on. I said, Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness.

Steven Wright

Everybody's funny in different ways.

Colin Quinn

I'm always in situations where you can't be funny, and yet I want to do it anyway.

Tim Heidecker

I have no agenda except to be funny. Neither I or the writers profess to offer any worldly wisdom.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.

Brooke Shields

I like children - fried.

W. C. Fields

I think that 'Hangover II' is as funny as 'The Hangover I,' honest to God, but I think that it's a little bit darker, and the stakes are a little bit higher.

Todd Phillips

I have a funny family, but none of them are remotely in show business.

Wanda Sykes

Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but it's very funny - Did you ever try buying then without money?

Ogden Nash

If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.

Mel Brooks

I never know when I am being funny, and the other way too. I don't think you can think about that. I don't think you can try to be funny. Some people are just funny.

Christopher Walken

Yes, I believe blue material is funny, but if that's all you've got, you're dead in the water. It's not good.

Howard Stern

It's funny when you're a kid how you can acclimate to almost anything.

Adam Carolla

Life is funny and it is interesting how we make it as serious as possible.

Elisha Cuthbert

Funny, I don't feel any more powerful today than yesterday.

Jerry B. Jenkins

'Married with Children' was racy. It was sexist. It was a lot of things, but mostly it was funny.

Katey Sagal

O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.

Saint Augustine

Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly.

P. J. O'Rourke

Life's pretty funny when you're objectively on the outside looking at it.

Philip Seymour Hoffman