Funny Quotes

Road to hell is paved with unbought stuffed dogs.

Ernest Hemingway

It is only about things that do not interest one, that one can give a really unbiassed opinion; and this is no doubt the reason why an unbiased opinion is always valueless.

Oscar Wilde

Life is hard. After all, it kills you.

Katharine Hepburn

If at first you don't succeed, blame your parents.

Marcelene Cox

I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'mNarcissus.

Steven Wright

It's funny that I got to do 'On the Road' because the thing that had the biggest impact on me growing up was reading books. I was very inspired by the book and this spirit of Dean Moriarty and how envious we all are of somebody who can be that carefree.

Garrett Hedlund

Unseen University had never admitted women, muttering something about problems with the plumbing, but the real reason was an unspoken dread that if women were allowed to mess around with magic they would probably be embarrassingly good at it

Terry Pratchett

She's cute, I thought, but you don't need to like a girl who treats you like you're ten: You've already got a mom.

John Green

I got attention by being funny at school, pretending to be retarded, and jumping around with a deformed hand.

Leonardo DiCaprio

Keep your sense of humor, my friend if you don't have a sense of humor it just isn't funny anymore.

Wavy Gravy

When an evil masochist dies, does he go to hell, or would heaven be a better punishment?

Steven Wright

People who didn't need people needed people around to know that they were the kind of people who didn't need people.

Terry Pratchett

I never saw quite so wretched an example of what a sea-faring life can do: but to a degree, I know it is the same with them all; they are all knocked about, and exposed to every climate, and every weather, till they are not fit to be seen. It is a pity they are not knocked on the head at once, before they reach Admiral Baldwin's age.

Jane Austen

I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the library the sign says shut the f..k up!

Rodney Dangerfield

If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.

Steven Wright

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

Emo Philips

We are supposed to enjoy the good stuff now, while we can, with the people we love. Life has a funny way of teaching us that lesson over and over again.

Sheena Easton

The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks. If my daughter has a mediocre sense of humor, I'm just gonna tell her, 'Be a staff writer for a sitcom. Because they'll have to hire you, they can't really fire you, and you don't have to produce that much. It'll be awesome.'

Adam Carolla

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Woody Allen

There was a piece of ornamental water immediately below the parapet, on the other side, into which Mr. James Harthouse had a very strong inclination to pitch Mr. Thomas Gradgrind Junior.

Charles Dickens