Funny Quotes

People often ask me how I make things funny. I don't make things funny.

Richard Russo

She'd been in labor for nineteen hours; I completely understood why she wanted to pass the buck. 'You are so beautiful,' her husband crooned, holding up her shoulders.'You are so full of shit,' Lila snarled, but as a contraction settled over her like a net, she bore down and pushed.

Jodi Picoult

Cats gravitate to kitchens like rocks gravitate to gravity.

Terry Pratchett

Trees that grow in smoggy cities are needed to make carbonpaper.

Steven Wright

Often it does seem such a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.

Mark Twain

One more lesson like that and I might just do a Weasley.

J.K. Rowling

I expect what you're not aware of would fill several books, Dursely.

J.K. Rowling

I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get.

Rodney Dangerfield

Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.

Kurt Vonnegut

The doctor seemed especially troubled by the fact of the robbery having been unexpected, and attempted in the night-time; as if it were the established custom of gentlemen in the housebreaking way to transact business at noon, and to make an appointment, by the twopenny post, a day or two previous.

Charles Dickens

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritation and resentments slip away, and a sunny spirit takes their place.

Mark Twain

The mountebank told them that God was surely trying to kill them, possibly because He was through with them, and that they should have the good manners to die. This, as you can see, they did.

Kurt Vonnegut

If words had weight, a single sentence from Death would have anchored a ship.

Terry Pratchett

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?

Steven Wright

Oh all the time when Victoria Wood and I did our series. There were people asking 'Can women be funny?' People still ask that. It's like asking: 'Can women breathe in and out?'

Julie Walters

Yeah, this is night Dudders. This is what we call it when it goes all dark like this!*Dudley goes bright red* I mean when you're in bed!Whatdya mean? Am I supposed to be scared of pillows or something?

J.K. Rowling

What's funny about that is when I was writing Twilight just for myself and not thinking of it as a book, I was not thinking about publishing, and yet at the same time I was casting it in my head. Because when I read books, I see them very visually.

Stephenie Meyer

The thin girl was gulping down one of Richard's bananas in what was, Richard reflected, the least erotic display of banana-eating he had ever seen.

Neil Gaiman

Sometimes I feel like there are people just waiting for me to fall. The funny thing is, I can't give them anything. I have just never been a partier, even in school.

Jordin Sparks

Funny things tend not to happen to me. I am not a natural comic. I need to think about things a lot before I can be even remotely amusing.

Rowan Atkinson