Funny Quotes

...inside every old person is a young person wondering what happened.

Terry Pratchett

Welcome to a new year at Hogwarts! Before we begin our banquet, I would like to say a few words. And here they are: Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!

J.K. Rowling

Wisdom is one of the few things that looks bigger the further away it is.

Terry Pratchett

And regardless of the fact that in this country, certainly in the arts, we treat comedy as a second-class citizen, I've never thought of it that way. I've always thought it to be important. The last time I looked, the Greeks were holding up two masks. I've always thought of it not only as having equal value, but as the craft of it, being funny.

Jeff Daniels

I'll be supposed upon a book, his face is the worst thing about him.

William Shakespeare

Mr Lorry asks the witness questions:Ever been kicked? Might have been.Frequently? No. Ever kicked down stairs? Decidedly not; once received a kick at the top of a staircase, and fell down stairs of his own accord.

Charles Dickens

I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She has a face like a saintA saint Bernard!

Rodney Dangerfield

The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.

Rodney Dangerfield

Mr. Moony presents his compliments to Professor Snape, and begs him to keep his abnormally large nose out of other people's business.Mr. Prongs agrees with Mr. Moony, and would like to add that Professor Snape is an ugly git.Mr. Padfoot would like to register his astonishment that an idiot like that ever became a professor.Mr. Wormtail bids Professor Snape good day, and advises him to wash his hair, the slimeball.

J.K. Rowling

My mother never breastfed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

Rodney Dangerfield

The brainless serenity of charwomen and janitors working late at night came over us. In a messy world we were at least making our little corner clean.

Kurt Vonnegut

When I was doing ensemble theater and comedy work, I felt I had some talents. But when I started doing my shows in Berkeley and found that I could be funny on my own, I was shocked.

Whoopi Goldberg

To be is to do - SocratesTo do is to be - SartreDo Be Do Be Do - Sinatra

Kurt Vonnegut

Alas! Earwax!

J.K. Rowling

It's funny how most activists are pacifists.

Craig Bruce

I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.

Samuel Goldwyn

It's funny, but when I arrived in California to start college I was much more interested in becoming a surfer and cruise along in life from one beach to the next. I didn't plan out any huge career for myself.

Benicio Del Toro

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

Steven Wright

It means 'Shadowhunters: Looking Better in Black Than the Widows of our Enemies Since 1234'.

Cassandra Clare

Do you think it's possible for an entire nation to be insane?

Terry Pratchett