Funny Quotes

Everybody finished the song at different times. At last, only the Weasley twins were left singing along to a very slow funeral march.

J.K. Rowling

Victor eyed the glistening tubes in the tray around Dibbler's neck. They smelled appetizing. They always did. And then you bit into them, and learned once again that Cut-me-own-Throat Dibbler could find a use for bits of an animal that the animal didn't know it had got. Dibbler had worked out that with enough fried onions and mustard people would eat anything.

Terry Pratchett

However, he wrote some verses on her, and very pretty they were. And so ended his affection, said Elizabeth impatiently. There has been many a one, I fancy, overcome in the same way. I wonder who first discovered the efficacy of poetry in driving away love! I have been used to consider poetry as the food of love, said Darcy. Of a fine, stout, healthy love it may. Everything nourishes what is strong already. But if it be only a slight, thin sort of inclination, I am convinced that one good sonnet will starve it entirely away.

Jane Austen

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.

Steven Wright

Everything seems fine until you're about 40. Then something is definitely beginning to go wrong. And you look in the mirror with your old habit of thinking, 'While I accept that everyone grows old and dies, it's a funny thing, but I'm an exception to that rule.'

Martin Amis

Anyone who thinks impressions of old movie actors is funny absolutely cannot be trusted. I think it's like a law of nature.

Stephen King

He spoke of humor, and thought it must be one of the chief attributes of God. He cited plants and animals that were distinctly humorous in form and in their characteristics. These he declared were God's jokes.

Mark Twain

No headboards were broken.

John Green

Saying 'I notice you're a nerd' is like saying, 'Hey, I notice that you'd rather be intelligent than be stupid, that you'd rather be thoughtful than be vapid, that you believe that there are things that matter more than the arrest record of Lindsay Lohan. Why is that?' In fact, it seems to me that most contemporary insults are pretty lame. Even 'lame' is kind of lame. Saying 'You're lame' is like saying 'You walk with a limp.' Yeah, whatever, so does 50 Cent, and he's done all right for himself.

John Green

I didn't plan to be the rude middle-class comedian. You write a certain type of joke that you find funny, and mine happen to be often rude. Yes, it's juvenile, but that's me.

Jimmy Carr

This was not a fairy-tale castle and there was no such thing as a fairy-tale ending, but sometimes you could threaten to kick the handsome prince in the ham-and-eggs.

Terry Pratchett

LORD ILLINGWORTH: The soul is born old but grows young. That is the comedy of life.MRS ALLONBY: And the body is born young and grows old. That is life's tragedy.

Oscar Wilde

Even on the most solemn occasions I got away without wearing socks and hid that lack of civilization in high boots

Albert Einstein

Some people say funny things, but I say things funny.

Don Rickles

Oh shit, the mummy's after us, let's all walk a little faster

Stephen King

Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish.

Chevy Chase

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above...so I never have to go upstairs.

Steven Wright

I believe, in a funny way, the job of the novelist is to be out there on the fringes and speaking for an experience that has not really been spoken for.

Donna Tartt

There is always time for another last minute

Terry Pratchett

This nation is like all the others that have been spewed upon the earth--ready to shout for any cause that will tickle its vanity or fill its pocket. What a hell of a heaven it will be when they get all these hypocrites assembled there!- Letter to J. H. Twichell, 1/29/1901

Mark Twain