Funny Quotes

I would not wish to marry someone who had already been married. It would be,' she opined, 'like having someone else break in one's own pony.

Neil Gaiman

... and because they were fond of reading, she fancied them satirical: perhaps without exactly knowing what it was to be satirical; but that did not signify. It was censure in common use, and easily given.

Jane Austen

A good artist is willing to die many times over. What's funny is, I've died so many times.

Billy Corgan

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

Rodney Dangerfield

Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity. If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick...

Steven Wright

The where the story happened was a world on the back of four elephants perched on the shell of a giant turtle. That's the advantage of space. It's big enough to hold practically , and so, eventually, it does.People think that it is strange to have a turtle ten thousand miles long and an elephant more than two thousand miles tall, which just shows that the human brain is ill-adapted for thinking and was probably originally designed for cooling the blood. It believes mere size is .There's nothing amazing about size. Turtles are amazing, and elephants are quite astonishing. But the fact that there's a big turtle is far less amazing than the fact that there is a turtle .

Terry Pratchett

He sighed and opened the black box and took out his rings and slipped them on. Another box held a set of knives and Klatchian steel, their blades darkened with lamp black. Various cunning and intricate devices were taken from velvet bags and dropped into pockets. A couple of long-bladed throwing tlingas were slipped into their sheaths inside his boots. A thin silk line and folding grapnel were wound around his waist, over the chain-mail shirt. A blowpipe was attached to its leather thong and dropped down the back of his cloak; Teppic picked a slim tin container with an assortment of darts, their tips corked and their stems braille-coded for ease of selection in the dark. He winced, checked the blade of his rapier and slung the baldric over his right shoulder, to balance the bag of lead slingshot ammunition. As an afterthought he opened his sock drawer and took a pistol crossbow, a flask of oil, a roll of lockpicks and, after some consideration, a punch dagger, a bag of assorted caltrops and a set of brass knuckles. Teppic picked up his hat and checked it's lining for the coil of cheesewire. He placed it on his head at a jaunty angle, took a last satisfied look at himself in the mirror, turned on his heel and, very slowly, fell over.

Terry Pratchett

Demon Pox, oh, Demon PoxJust how is it acquired?One must first go to the bad part of townUntil one is very tiredDemon Pox, oh, Demon PoxI had it all along-No, not the pox, you foolish blocksI meant this very song-For i was right, and you were wrong!

Cassandra Clare

The house seemed to have all the comforts of little Children, dirt and litter.

Jane Austen

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?

Steven Wright

I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. She said...Why should I... you never put out for me.

Rodney Dangerfield

My cousins gay, in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.

Rodney Dangerfield

Every year, many, many stupid people graduate from college. And if they can do it, so can you.

John Green

I had a girlfriend that was so fat her belly button made an echo.

Rodney Dangerfield

ARMOR, n. The kind of clothing worn by a man whose tailor is a blacksmith.

Ambrose Bierce

Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.

Rodney Dangerfield

-Oh yes? Can you identify yourself?-Certainly. I'd know me anywhere.

Terry Pratchett

BELLADONNA, n. In Italian a beautiful lady; in English a deadly poison. A striking example of the essential identity of the two tongues.

Ambrose Bierce

In a town like London there are always plenty of not quite certifiable lunatics walking the streets, and they tend to gravitate towards bookshops, because a bookshop is one of the few places where you can hang about for a long time without spending any money.

George Orwell

In fact, now you mention the subject, I have been very bad in my own small way.I don't think you should be so proud of that, though I am sure it must have been very pleasant.

Oscar Wilde