Funny Quotes

Igor?' said Moist. 'You have an Igor?'Oh, yes,' said Hubert. 'That's how I get this wonderful light. They know the secret of storing lightning in jars! But don't let that worry you, Mr Lipspick. Just because I'm employing an Igor and working in a cellar doesn't mean I'm some sort of madman, ha ha ha!'Ha ha,' agreed Moist.Ha hah hah!,' said Hubert. 'Hahahahahaha!! Ahahahahahahhhhh!!!!!-'Bent slapped him on the back. Hubert coughed.Sorry about that, it's the air down here,' he mumbled.

Terry Pratchett

I WILL NOT TOLERATE MENTION OF YOUR ABNORMALITY UNDER THIS ROOF!

J.K. Rowling

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.

Les Dawson

It is possible in this world to be pretty and funny and successful all at the same time.

Olivia Munn

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Mitch Hedberg

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Oscar Wilde

I put hardwood floors on top of walltowall carpet.

Steven Wright

I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman.

Steven Wright

I think it's always funny when somebody thinks you're going to do something super sexy and then you don't.

Olivia Munn

I have only been funny about seventy four per cent of the time. Yes I think that is right. Seventy-four per cent of the time.

Will Ferrell

Whatever is funny is subversive, every joke is ultimately a custard pie... a dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion.

George Orwell

The true reader reads every work seriously in the sense that he reads it whole-heartedly, makes himself as receptive as he can. But for that very reason he cannot possibly read every work solemly or gravely. For he will read 'in the same spirit that the author writ.'... He will never commit the error of trying to munch whipped cream as if it were venison.

C.S. Lewis

I've always enjoyed making people laugh. But in order for me to be funny, I have to get ticked off about something.

Carl Hiaasen

My hair has never been my greatest feature, so that was funny enough unto itself that my hair became so focused on.

Jennifer Aniston

Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.

Joey Adams

It's funny, though, because when I first started going to races after we met, I was extremely nervous. It's like being backstage and hoping you don't trip over something or break an amp or accidentally speak into a live microphone, so I was really hesitant.

Ashley Judd

I'm blonde and tanned and normal-sized! I'm sweet, shy, funny, have a big heart and I'm nice - and I like to eat.

Paris Hilton

California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.

Fred Allen

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world...perhaps you've seen it.

Steven Wright

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.

Steven Wright