Funny Quotes

I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I took her to a dog show and she won first prize.

Rodney Dangerfield

If you tell the truth you do not need a good memory!

Mark Twain

I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.

Rodney Dangerfield

I am accusing him of stealing my best material, he was a very funny man.

Frank Carson

If I go back home to Wittenberg, I'll lie down in a coffin and give the maggots a fat doctor to eat.

Martin Luther King Jr.

Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.

Lenny Bruce

As far as informing the headmaster, Harry had no idea where Dumbledore went during the summer holidays. He amused himself for a moment, picturing Dumbledore, with his long silver beard, full-length wizard's robes, and pointed hat, stretched out on a beach somewhere, rubbing suntan lotion onto his long crooked nose.

J.K. Rowling

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't knowwhat to feed it.

Steven Wright

By the time she had interpreted Harry's dreams at the top of her voice (all of which, even the ones that involved eating porridge, apparently foretold a gruesome and early death), he was feeling much less sympathetic toward her.

J.K. Rowling

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Steven Wright

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world.

Steven Wright

It's so funny, because right now I'm very tired and my brains a little dead, I tend to get very focused and serious. So, I'm probably coming off a lot more like Scully right now.

Gillian Anderson

My shoulder will never be the same. I expect you to nurse me back to health.'-Jace'Just break the door down, will you?'-Clary

Cassandra Clare

It was such ecstacy to dream, and dream - till you got a bite.A scorpion bite. Then the first duty was to get up out of the grass and kill the scorpion; and the next to bathe the bitten place with alcohol or brandy; and the next to resolve to keep out of the grass in the future. Then came an adjournment to the bedchamber and the pastime of writing up the day's journal with one hand and the destruction of mosquitoes with the other - a whole community of them at a slap. Then, observing an enemy approaching - a hairy tarantula on stilts - why not set the spittoon on him? It is done, and the projecting ends of his paws give a luminous idea of the magnitude of his reach. Then to bed and become a promenade for a centipede with forty-two legs on a side and every foot hot enough to burn a whole through a raw-hide. More soaking with alcohol, and a resolution to examine the bed before entering it, in future. Then wait, and suffer, till all the mosquitoes in the neighborhood have crawled in under the bar, then slip out quickly, shut them in and sleep peacefully on the floor till morning. Meantime, it is comforting to curse the tropics in occasional wakeful intervals.

Mark Twain

Good evening, gentlemen!' said the vampire. 'Please pay attention. I am a vampire, which is to say, I am a bundle of repressed instincts held together with spit and coffee. It would be wrong to say that violent, tearing carnage does not come easily to me. It's tearing your throats out that doesn't come easily to me. Please don't make it any harder.

Terry Pratchett

I would talk in iambic pentameter if it were easier.

Howard Nemerov

I get it,' said the prisoner. 'Good Cop, Bad Cop, eh?'If you like.' said Vimes. 'But we're a bit short staffed here, so if I give you a cigarette would you mind kicking yourself in the teeth?

Terry Pratchett

Wit, after all, is the unfailing symptom of intelligence.

Christopher Hitchens

Studies have shown that an ant can carry one hundred times its own weight, but there is no known limit to the lifting power of the average tiny eighty-year-old Spanish peasant grandmother.

Terry Pratchett

I wanted to be that quirky girl who writes funny songs that still have meaning.

Katy Perry