Funny Quotes

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings...Boy With Pail...Kitten On Fire.

Steven Wright

Good humor is one of the preservatives of our peace and tranquility

Thomas Jefferson

Boston is actually the capital of the world. You didn't know that? We breed smart-ass, quippy, funny people. Not that I'm one of them. I just sorta sneaked in under the radar.

John Krasinski

The funny thing was, you see, that Mike Fink didn't think of himself as a murderer. He thought of life as a contest, and dying was what happened to those who came out second best, but it wasn't the same as murder, it was a fair fight.

Orson Scott Card

It's funny I actually made poorer decisions when I sobered up then when I was screwed up.

Corey Feldman

I can't not find humor in elements of most parts of life, but at the same time nothing ever seems perpetually funny to me.

Greg Kinnear

I saw a sign: Rest Area 25 Miles. That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.

Steven Wright

I was such an ugly kid - When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up

Rodney Dangerfield

Whole new theories of money were growing here like mushrooms: in the dark and based on bullshit.

Terry Pratchett

You're dead, George. You just don't have the sense to lie down.

Stephen King

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

Phyllis Diller

There are times when it is appropriate, even preferable, to get an erection when someone's face is in close proximity to your penis.This was not one of those times.

John Green

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

George Carlin

I think I have an inner confidence that my tastes are pretty simple, that what I find funny finds a wide audience. I'm not particularly intellectual or clever or minority-focused in my creative instincts. And I'm certainly not aware of suppressing more sophisticated ambitions.

Rowan Atkinson

I see a light in the kitchen. Let us not deprive Molly any longer of the chance to deplore how thin you are.

J.K. Rowling

After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

Steven Wright

What a situation!' cried Miss Squeers; '...What is the reason that men fall in love with me, whether I like it or not, and desert their chosen intendeds for my sake?' 'Because they can't help it, miss,' replied the girl; 'the reason's plain.' (If Miss Squeers were the reason, it was very plain.)

Charles Dickens

I went to see my doctor. Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror . . . I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me? He said, I don't know but your eyesight is perfect.

Rodney Dangerfield

When I was a kid I didn't feel like I fit in because - this is really silly and I probably shouldn't say it, but, I didn't think anything was funny. So I used to go home and literally cry to my mom and my step-dad at the time and I didn't think anything was funny. I couldn't laugh.

Courteney Cox

He was painfully shy, which, as is often the manner of the painfully shy, he overcompensated for by being too loud at the wrong times.

Neil Gaiman