Funny Quotes

I hope you're pleased with yourselves. We could all have been killed - or worse, expelled. Now if you don't mind, I'm going to bed.

J.K. Rowling

And it's Gryfindor in possession again, as Johnson takes the Quaffle - Flint alongside her - poke him in the eye, Angelina - it was a joke, professor, it was a joke...

J.K. Rowling

I was born by Caesarean section... But not so you'd notice.It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through thewindow.

Steven Wright

I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back...Boy, were they mad!

Steven Wright

My father always said that government is like watching another man piss in your boot. Someone feels better but it certainly isn't you.

Orson Scott Card

I'm so single. It's funny. I'm usually a relationship girl. I love being in love and having a partner in crime. But it's good to be your own partner in crime. God, that makes me sound like I have multiple-personality disorder.

Brittany Snow

Why are you worrying about You-Know-Who? You should be worrying about You-Know-Poo- the constipation sensation that's gripping the nation!

J.K. Rowling

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.

Mitch Hedberg

A boy who once wiped his ass with poison ivy probably doesn't belong in a smart people's club.

Stephen King

I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She looks like she came in second in a hatchet fight!

Rodney Dangerfield

The post on her left was occupied by Mr. Erskine of Treadley, an old gentleman of considerable charm and culture, who had fallen, however, into bad habits of silence, having, as he explained once to Lady Agatha, said everything that he had to say before he was thirty.

Oscar Wilde

Other crack teams get bat boomerangs and wall-climbing powers; we get Aquatruck.

Cassandra Clare

It's a funny thing - when I'm crazed with work, spending time with my children relaxes me. Yet, at the end of a long weekend with them, the very thing I need to relax is a little work and time away from them!

Emily Giffin

He looked up at them, a scruffy Napoleon with his laces trailing, exiled to a rose-trellised Elba.

Terry Pratchett

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

Mitch Hedberg

My congratulations to you, sir. Your manuscript is both good and original; but the part that is good is not original, and the part that is original is not good.

Samuel Johnson

Ministry of Magic (M.O.M) Classification.xxxxx Known wizard killer / impossible to train or domesticate / or anything Hagrid likes

J.K. Rowling

Along with the standard computer warranty agreement which said that if the machine 1) didn't work, 2) didn't do what the expensive advertisements said, 3) electrocuted the immediate neighborhood, 4) and in fact failed entirely to be inside the expensive box when you opened it, this was expressly, absolutely, implicitly and in no event the fault or responsibility of the manufacturer, that the purchaser should consider himself lucky to be allowed to give his money to the manufacturer, and that any attempt to treat what had just been paid for as the purchaser's own property would result in the attentions of serious men with menacing briefcases and very thin watches. Crowley had been extremely impressed with the warranties offered by the computer industry, and had in fact sent a bundle Below to the department that drew up the Immortal Soul agreements, with a yellow memo form attached just saying: 'Learn, guys...

Neil Gaiman

People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway.

Tim Vine

I like the dreams of the future better than the history of the past.

Thomas Jefferson