Funny Quotes

You can't be funny for funny's sake. You try to get as outrageous situation as you can but it always has to be believable and based in real character motivations and what people would really do.

Hank Azaria

I don't really get shaken very much. People could heckle me, a spotlight could go out, I could forget a lyric... I'm not operating on somebody's brain, you know what I mean? So I just think it's all funny.

Harry Connick, Jr.

It was always a fantasy of mine growing up - my favorite program was always 'Little House on the Prairie' - so I always wanted to wear those looks. When I was a child, I wouldn't let my mom put me in anything but calico dresses and now... whaddaya know, every day I'm in a calico dress, basically, so it's kind of funny.

Chloe Sevigny

Sometimes you have to take the focus off of you and put it on someone else and it's funny what you can accomplish and how much strength you really have.

Hoda Kotb

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

Oscar Wilde

My dull brain was wrought with things forgotten.

William Shakespeare

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Terry Pratchett

If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all.

Rodney Dangerfield

Most of the gaffes I've made have not been funny - they've been stupid.

Jim Lehrer

Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.

Joan Rivers

Even if I could, I wouldn't. Scars can come in handy. I have one myself above my left knee that is a perfect map of the London Underground.

J.K. Rowling

You know, the funny thing about Lorne and that show is that, you can go over one million things, but in a business of bean counters, he still likes to laugh at small things and creates a show around it.

Colin Quinn

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

Steven Wright

I asked her if she enjoys a cigarette after sex. She said...No, one drag is enough.

Rodney Dangerfield

Because - oh shut up laughing, you two - because they've just been turned down by girls they asked to the ball!

J.K. Rowling

I take my only exercise acting as a pallbearer at the funerals of my friends who exercise regularly.

Mark Twain

(...) perfectly ordinary books, printed on commonplace paper in mundane ink. It would be a mistake to think that they weren't also dangerous, just because reading them didn't make fireworks go off in the sky. Reading them sometimes did the more dangerous trick of making fireworks go off in the privacy of the reader's brain.

Terry Pratchett

Here comes Monseiur Le Beau.Rosalind: With his mouth full of news.Celia: Which he will put on us, as pigeons feed their young.Rosalind: Then shall we be news-crammed.Celia: All the better; we shall be the more marketable.

William Shakespeare

This was a vagrant of sixty-five, who was going to prison for playing the flute; or, in other words, for begging in the streets, and doing noting for his livelihood. In the next cell, was another man, who was going to the same prison for hawking tin saucepans without a licence; thereby doing something for his living, in defiance of the Stamp-office.

Charles Dickens

The funny thing is people won't let me pay for things. I'll be in a restaurant and the manager will say, 'Oh no, it's on the house.'

Richard Branson