Humor Quotes

The trouble with being a god is that you've got no one to pray to.

Terry Pratchett

I had a girlfriend that was so fat she wore a CROSS YOUR THIGHS bra.

Rodney Dangerfield

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

Mark Twain

There are those who scoff at the schoolboy, calling him frivolous andshallow: Yet it was the schoolboy who said 'Faith is believing what youknow ain't so'.

Mark Twain

A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over andreturned a cup of sugar. You didn't borrow this. I will.

Steven Wright

Humor must not professedly teach, and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever. By forever, I mean thirty years.

Mark Twain

It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.

Steven Wright

The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated.

Mark Twain

DON'T THINK OF IT AS DYING, said Death. JUST THINK OF IT AS LEAVING EARLY TO AVOID THE RUSH.

Terry Pratchett

I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.

Steven Wright

We fatties have a bond, dude. It's like a secret society. We got all kinds of shit you don't know about. Handshakes, special fat people dances-we got these secret fugging lairs in the center of the earth and we go down there in the middle of the night when all the skinny kids are sleeping and eat cake and friend chicken and shit. Why d'you think Hollis is still sleeping, kafir? Because we were up all night in the secret lair injecting butter frosting into our veins. ...A fatty trusts another fatty.

John Green

My rapier wit hides my inner pain.

Cassandra Clare

I think she just asked if she could touch my mango.

Cassandra Clare

A boy is naturally full of humor.

Robert Powell

The satirist shoots to kill while the humorist brings his prey back alive and eventually releases him again for another chance.

Peter De Vries

I can't give a Professor love!

J.K. Rowling

If one tends to be a humorous person and you have a sense of humor the rest of your life then you can certainly lighten the load, I think, by bringing that to your trials and tribulations. It's easy to have a sense of humor when everything is going well.

Alan Thicke

He can run faster than Severus Snape confronted with shampoo.

J.K. Rowling

(When asked: But you have a very open relationship with your fans.) Yes. We have an open relationship. Obviously they can see other authors if they want, and I can see other readers.

Neil Gaiman

Harry and Hermione are very platonic friends. But I won't answer for anyone else, nudge-nudge wink-wink!

J.K. Rowling