Humor Quotes

I never saw quite so wretched an example of what a sea-faring life can do: but to a degree, I know it is the same with them all; they are all knocked about, and exposed to every climate, and every weather, till they are not fit to be seen. It is a pity they are not knocked on the head at once, before they reach Admiral Baldwin's age.

Jane Austen

I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the library the sign says shut the f..k up!

Rodney Dangerfield

If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.

Steven Wright

There are two insults no human being will endure: that he has no sense of humor, and that he has never known trouble.

Sinclair Lewis

Cats gravitate to kitchens like rocks gravitate to gravity.

Terry Pratchett

Trees that grow in smoggy cities are needed to make carbonpaper.

Steven Wright

Often it does seem such a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.

Mark Twain

I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get.

Rodney Dangerfield

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritation and resentments slip away, and a sunny spirit takes their place.

Mark Twain

The mountebank told them that God was surely trying to kill them, possibly because He was through with them, and that they should have the good manners to die. This, as you can see, they did.

Kurt Vonnegut

If words had weight, a single sentence from Death would have anchored a ship.

Terry Pratchett

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?

Steven Wright

Yeah, this is night Dudders. This is what we call it when it goes all dark like this!*Dudley goes bright red* I mean when you're in bed!Whatdya mean? Am I supposed to be scared of pillows or something?

J.K. Rowling

The thin girl was gulping down one of Richard's bananas in what was, Richard reflected, the least erotic display of banana-eating he had ever seen.

Neil Gaiman

My school colors were clear. We used to say, I'm not naked, I'm in the band.

Steven Wright

I really don't see anything romantic in proposing. It is very romantic to be in love. But there is nothing romantic about a definite proposal. Why, one may be accepted. One usually is, I believe. Then the excitement is all over. The very essence of romance is uncertainty. If ever I get married, I'll certainly try to forget the fact.

Oscar Wilde

If this humor be the safety of our race, then it is due largely to the infusion into the American people of the Irish brain.

William Howard Taft

Or -- and this she knew was a far more accurate way of looking at it -- the book was true and reality was lying.

Terry Pratchett

The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rosetwice. Everything had two shadows.

Steven Wright

I knew a girl that was so fat that when guys had sex with her they had to ask for directions.

Rodney Dangerfield