Humor Quotes

I'm not an expert on the Malaysian sense of humor.

Ben Stiller

You may not like the humor, but that is why every radio has an on-off button.

Mel Karmazin

I love poking fun at myself. I have a rather mean sense of humor.

Alton Brown

Athletes tend to have less of a sense of humor than most people. They are heroes to so many. That might be part of it.

Jeff Ross

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, where's the selfhelp section? She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Steven Wright

I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me... What'll you have? I said...surprise me. He showed me a naked picture of my wife.

Rodney Dangerfield

I would feel infinitely more comfortable in your presence if you would agree to treat gravity as a law, rather than one of a number of suggested options.

Neil Gaiman

I like men who have a future and women who have a past.

Oscar Wilde

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

Charles Dickens

While it is true that Frank had a great sense of humor, he was also very serious about composing music. In reality there are only a handful of skilled players who can play his most complex pieces. It takes a lot of patience to learn and requires a fantastic memory.

Dweezil Zappa

Wooing, wedding, and repenting is as a Scotch jig, a measure, and a cinque-pace: the first suit is hot and hasty like a Scotch jig--and full as fantastical; the wedding, mannerly modest, as a measure, full of state and ancientry; and then comes repentance and with his bad legs falls into the cinque-pace faster and faster, till he sink into his grave.

William Shakespeare

One year they wanted to make me poster boy.. for birth control.

Rodney Dangerfield

As it turned out, everyone wanted a doughnut. Jace wanted two.

Cassandra Clare

Mixing humor and politics is something that works.

Bryan Cranston

I liked the humor of it, I've always enjoyed a sense of humor in God and in religion and in spirituality.

Amber Tamblyn

Here is a lesson in creative writing.First rule: Do not use semicolons. They are transvestite hermaphrodites representing absolutely nothing. All they do is show you've been to college.And I realize some of you may be having trouble deciding whether I am kidding or not. So from now on I will tell you when I'm kidding.For instance, join the National Guard or the Marines and teach democracy. I'm kidding.We are about to be attacked by Al Qaeda. Wave flags if you have them. That always seems to scare them away. I'm kidding.If you want to really hurt your parents, and you don't have the nerve to be gay, the least you can do is go into the arts. I'm not kidding. The arts are not a way to make a living. They are a very human way of making life more bearable. Practicing an art, no matter how well or badly, is a way to make your soul grow, for heaven's sake. Sing in the shower. Dance to the radio. Tell stories. Write a poem to a friend, even a lousy poem. Do it as well as you possibly can. You will get an enormous reward. You will have created something.

Kurt Vonnegut

You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check isin the mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like thatall the time.

Steven Wright

People said there had to be a Supreme Being because otherwise how could the universe exist, eh?And of course there clearly had to be, said Koomi, a Supreme Being. But since the universe was a bit of a mess, it was obvious that the Supreme Being hadn't in fact made it. If he had made it he would, being Supreme, have made a better job of it, with far better thought given, taking an example at random, to things like the design of the common nostril. Or, to put it another way, the existence of a badly put-together watch proved the existence of a blind watchmaker. You only had to look around to see that there was room for improvement practically everywhere. This suggested that the Universe had probably been put together in a bit of a rush by an underling while the Supreme Being wasn't looking, in the same way that Boy Scouts' Association minutes are done on office photocopiers all over the country.So, reasoned Koomi, it was not a good idea to address any prayers to a Supreme Being. It would only attract his attention and might cause trouble.

Terry Pratchett

I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.

Steven Wright

It's very hard to write humor.

Mark Strand