Humor Quotes

Only one English word adequately describes his transformation of the islands from worthless to priceless: magical.

Kurt Vonnegut

I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.

Steven Wright

Yesterday I parked my car in a towaway zone... When I cameback the entire area was missing.

Steven Wright

Hash, x. There is no definition for this word - nobody knows what hash is.Famous, adj. Conspicuously miserable.Dictionary, n. A malevolent literary device for cramping the growth of a language and making it hard and inelastic. This dictionary, however, is a most useful work.

Ambrose Bierce

A sense of humor is the ability to understand a joke - and that the joke is oneself.

Clifton Paul Fadiman

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child...eventually.

Steven Wright

I feel like I might start crying and that I'm going to cry pee.

John Green

I make fun of situations and try and find the humor in things, but it's never at the expense of the other guy.

Bob Uecker

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.

Steven Wright

Have a sense of humor about life - you will need it. And be courteous.

Peter Jennings

An Egg to day is better than a Hen to-morrow

Benjamin Franklin

I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. It was supposed to be hot today.

Steven Wright

An empty stomach is not a good political adviser.

Albert Einstein

Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?

Steven Wright

You were with Margo Roth Spiegelman last night? At THREE A.M.? I nodded. Alone? I nodded. Oh my God, if you hooked up with her, you have to tell me every single thing that happened. You have to write me a term paper on the look and feel of Margo Roth Spiegelman's breasts. Thrity pages, minimum! I want you to do a photo-realistic pencil drawing. A sculpture would also be acceptable. I was wondering if it would be possible for you to write a sestina about Margo Roth Spiegelman's breasts? Your six words are: pink, round, firmness, succulent, supple, and pillowy. Personally, I think at least one of the words should be buhbuhbuhbuh.

John Green

I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She uses a septic tank for a toilet.

Rodney Dangerfield

Well, the most terrible fear that anybody should have is not war, is not a disease, not cancer or heart problems or food poisoning - it's a man or a woman without a sense of humor.

Jonathan Winters

Death: Human beings make life so interesting. Do you know, that in a universe so full of wonders, they have managed to invent boredom.

Terry Pratchett

I can't stop thinking like this.

Steven Wright

I don't know where people got the idea that characters in books a supposed to be likable. Books are not in the business of creating merely likeable characters with whom you can have some simple identification with. Books are in the business of crating great stories that make you're brain go ahhbdgbdmerhbergurhbudgerbudbaaarr.

John Green