Humor Quotes

If a dog doesn't put you first where are you both? In what relation? A dog needs God. It lives by your glances, your wishes. It even shares your humor. This happens about the fifth year. If it doesn't happen you are only keeping an animal.

Enid Bagnold

It has always surprised me how little attention philosophers have paid to humor, since it is a more significant process of mind than reason. Reason can only sort out perceptions, but the humor process is involved in changing them.

Edward de Bono

Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.

Steven Wright

You can't study comedy it's within you. It's a personality. My humor is an attitude.

Don Rickles

You cannot, it seems, let children run about the streets. People who have seen them running wild in Russia say that the sight is not a pleasant one.

Virginia Woolf

What a strange world this would be if we all had the same sense of humor.

Bernard Williams

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

Peter Ustinov

Any closet is a walkin closet if you try hard enough.

Steven Wright

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

Steven Wright

Despite decades of market research, markets proliferate andthere's no cure in sight.

Steven Wright

It's not lying when you do it to officers!

Terry Pratchett

I have a suggestion that I think would help fight serious crime. Signs. There are lots of signs for minor infractions: No Smoking, Stay Off the Grass, Keep Out, and they seem to work fairly well. I think we should also have signs for major crimes: Murder Strictly Prohibited, NO Raping People, Thank You for Not Kidnapping Anyone. It's certainly worth a try. I'm convinced Watergate would never have happened if there had just been a sign in the Oval Office that said, Malfeasance of Office Is Strictly Against the Law, or Thank You for Not Undermining the Constitution.

George Carlin

Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever.

Mark Twain

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour inonly ten minutes.

Steven Wright

Coffee is a way of stealing time that should by rights belong to your older self.

Terry Pratchett

Is the chemical aftertaste the reason why people eat hot dogs, or is it some kind of bonus?

Neil Gaiman

When I was little I bragged about my firefighting father: my father would go to heaven, because if he went to hell he would put out all the fires

Jodi Picoult

He knew from experience that true and obvious ideas, such as the ineffable wisdom and judgment of the Great God Om, seemed so obscure to many people that you actually had to kill them before they saw the error of their ways...

Terry Pratchett

I'll have that someday, thought Peter. Someone who'll kiss me good-bye at the door. Or maybe just someone to put a blindfold over my head before they shoot me. Depending on how things turn out.

Orson Scott Card

If I can't see the humor in it, how am I going to be funny?

Casey Affleck