Humor Quotes

The comic is the perception of the opposite humor is the feeling of it.

Umberto Eco

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

Emo Philips

Life isn't all fricasseed frogs and eel pie. -Puddleglum in The Silver Chair

C.S. Lewis

There's one thing you can say for air pollution, you get utterly amazing sunrises.

Terry Pratchett

What do batteries run on?

Steven Wright

If you sit down and think about it *sensibly*, you come up with some very funny ideas. Like: why make people inquisitive, and then put some forbidden fruit where they can see it with a big neon finger flashing on and off saying 'THIS IS IT!'? ... I mean, why do that if you really don't *want* them to eat it, eh? I mean, maybe you just want to see how it all turns out. Maybe it's all part of a great big ineffable plan. All of it. You, me, him, everything. Some great big test to see if what you've built all works properly, eh? You start thinking: it *can't* be a great cosmic game of chess, it *has* to be just very complicated Solitaire.

Neil Gaiman

And when I get real, real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

Steven Wright

Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns behind his ears. I think George is weird, because he has false teeth. with braces on them. George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge...you can't hear him talk.

Steven Wright

Someone out there was about to find that their worst nightmare was a maddened Librarian. With a badge.

Terry Pratchett

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it.

Rodney Dangerfield

Did you hear what I was playing, Lane?I didn't think it polite to listen, sir.

Oscar Wilde

I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coathanger.

Steven Wright

One night I came home very late. It was the next night.

Steven Wright

Some people have lives; some people have music.

John Green

God does not play dice with the universe; He plays an ineffable game of His own devising, which might be compared, from the perspective of any of the other players [i.e. everybody], to being involved in an obscure and complex variant of poker in a pitch-dark room, with blank cards, for infinite stakes, with a Dealer who won't tell you the rules, and who .

Terry Pratchett

The dogmas of the quiet past are inadequate to the stormy present. The occasion is piled high with difficulty, and we must rise with the occasion. As our case is new, so we must think anew and act anew.

Abraham Lincoln

Anyone in the humor business isn't thinking clearly if he doesn't surround himself with idea people. Otherwise, you settle for mediocrity - or you burn yourself out.

Hank Ketcham

if you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it ajoke?

Steven Wright

I bought a perfect second car ... a tow truck.

Rodney Dangerfield

I met Woz when I was 13, at a friend's garage. He was about 18. He was, like, the first person I met who knew more electronics than I did at that point. We became good friends, because we shared an interest in computer and we had a sense of humor. We pulled all kinds of pranks together.

Steve Jobs