What I find most disturbing about Valentine's Day is, look, I get that you have to have a holiday of love, but in the height of flu season, it makes no sense.
I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake.
Each of us is full of shit in our own special way. We are all shitty little snowflakes dancing in the universe.
If you're working out in front of a mirror and watching your muscles grow, your ego has reached a point where it is now eating itself. That's why I believe there should be a psychiatrist at every health club, so that when they see you doing this, they will take you away for a little chat.
It's absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we've got rockets, we've got saran wrap - fix it!
There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.
And I know this happens because I took economics, and I'd explain it to ya, but I flunked that course. Not my fault. They taught it at 8 o'clock in the morning. And there is absolutely nothing you can learn out of one bloodshot eye.
All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.
Republicans have nothing but bad ideas and Democrats have no ideas.
You realize that for all the shenanigans that go on in the big circus of politics, everybody wakes up and goes to work.
A father and two sons run Adelphia. It's a cable company. And they took from that company a billion dollars. A billion. Three people - three people took a billion dollars. What were they gonna do, start their own space program? 'Let's send the monkey to Mars, Dad!'
Online, there's no time. It's always Christmas.
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