Laughter is the closest distance between two people.
Victor Borge
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
Steven Wright
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street whensuddenly the prescription ran out.
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in theapartment somewhere.
I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
LADY BRACKNELLTo speak frankly, I am not in favour of long engagements. They give people the opportunity of finding out each other's character before marriage, which I think is never advisable.
Oscar Wilde
The thought of two thousand people munching celery at the same time horrified me.
George Bernard Shaw
For two hours...some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.
Rodney Dangerfield
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my housewith my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove itaround for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over.He asked where I lived. I said, right here, officer. Later,I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars,Get out of my driveway!
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
Ronald Reagan
When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do youhave any toy train schedules?
It is perfectly monstrous,' he said, at last, 'the way people go about nowadays saying things against one behind one's back that are absolutely and entirely true.
The difference between genius and stupidity is; genius has its limits.
Albert Einstein
God moves in extremely mysterious, not to say, circuitous ways. God does not play dice with the universe; He plays an ineffable game of His own devising, which might be compared, from the perspective of any of the other players, ie., everybody, to being involved in an obscure and complex version of poker in a pitch-dark room, with blank cards, for infinite stakes, with a Dealer who won't tell you the rules, and who smiles all the time.
Terry Pratchett
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. Theysaid, What for? I said, I'm going to buy some sugar.
I'm not just a big-haired redhead country singer who dresses flamboyantly, has this wicked sense of humor and wears rhinestones.
Naomi Judd
Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.
My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birthmark until he was eight years old.
It is by the goodness of god that in our country we have those 3 unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them.
Mark Twain
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