Funny Quotes

The shrieks were coming from two quite naked girls, who were pursued by a pair of apes snapping at their bottoms. [...] So he now raises his double-barrelled Spanish rifle, fires and kills both apes. 'God be praised, my dear Calambo! I have delivered these two poor creatures from grave peril; if it was a sin to kill an Inquisitor and a Jesuit, I have made ample amends by saving the lives of two girls [...]'He was about to continue, but words failed him when he saw the two girls throw their arms lovingly around the two apes and collapse in tears over their corpses, filling the air with the most pitiful lamentations. 'I was not expecting quite so much tenderness of heart,' he said at last to Cacambo, who replied: 'You've excelled yourself this time, Master; you have just despatched the two lovers of these young ladies.' '-Their lovers! Is it possible? You're making fun of me, Cacambo; how could anyone believe in such a thing?' - 'My dear Master,' retorted Cacambo, 'you are always astounished by everything; why do you find it so strange that in some countries it is apes who enjoy the favours of young ladies? After all, they are one-quarter human, just as I am one-quarter Spanish.

Voltaire

Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.

Mark Twain

Logic, n. The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding. The basic of logic is the syllogism, consisting of a major and a minor premise and a conclusion - thus:Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly as one man.Minor Premise: One man can dig a post-hole in sixty seconds; Therefore-Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a post-hole in one second.This may be called syllogism arithmetical, in which, by combining logic and mathematics, we obtain a double certainty and are twice blessed.

Ambrose Bierce

I'm smart and I can be really funny and interesting and I can go toe-to-toe with anybody in a conversation.

Megan Fox

Whoever thou art that, not content with a moderate condition, imaginest happiness in royal magnificence, and dreamest that command or riches can feed the appetite of novelty with perpetual gratifications, survey the Pyramids, and confess thy folly!

Samuel Johnson

Yesterday I parked my car in a towaway zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.

Steven Wright

I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

Rodney Dangerfield

People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.

Ellen DeGeneres

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

Mitch Hedberg

Simon: So were you following me? Or is it just an amazing coincidence that you happened to be on the roof of a building I was walking by when I got attacked?Jace: I was following you.Simon: Is this the part where you tell me you're secretly in love with me?

Cassandra Clare

Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.

Victor Hugo

My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.

Steven Wright

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Mark Twain

Will suspected Jem was in fact cleverer than he was himself - but he lacked Will's tendency to assume the absolute worst about people and proceed from there.

Cassandra Clare

Shearwater sighed, like a whale in the night.

Aldous Huxley

She's the sort of woman who lives for others - you can tell the others by their hunted expression.

C.S. Lewis

I have never been hurt by what I have not said.

Calvin Coolidge

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers fortwins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic.When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, buthe didn't obey.

Steven Wright

Critics are men who sit and watch a battle from a high place and come down to shoot the survivors.

Ernest Hemingway

We may not be all that bright, Jace said, but at least we are alive.

Cassandra Clare