Browse through our collection of quotes tagged with Funny.
A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it.
George Bernard Shaw
Sexton: I think the whole world's gone mad.Death: Uh-uh. It's always like this. You probably just don't get out enough.
Neil Gaiman
As far as I can tell, there are two basic (kissing) rules: 1. Don't bite anything without permission. 2. The human tongue is like wasabi: it's very powerful, and should be used sparingly.
John Green
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
Bertrand Russell
It's funny, but you get to a time in your life when you think you have all the friends you will ever have.
Liam Neeson
If Bill Gates woke up with Oprah's money, he'd jump out the window.
Chris Rock
You know, if I started worrying about what the critics think, I'd never make another comedy. You couldn't pick a less funny group than critics - you couldn't find a more bitter group of people!
Todd Phillips
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
W. C. Fields
Speak softly and employ a huge man with a crowbar.
Terry Pratchett
If only the hat had mentioned a house for people who felt a bit queasy, that would have been the one for him.
J.K. Rowling
You stole a boat, she snapped. What am I doing with you, you boat-stealing lunatic?
Cassandra Clare
A prig is a fellow who is always making you a present of his opinions.
George Eliot
Most of my ideas just come out funny.
Tim Heidecker
Once in a restaurant I made a toast to her...The best woman a man ever had.... The waiter joined me.
Rodney Dangerfield
But I was not in the band, because I suffer from the kind of tone deafness that is generally associated with actual deafness
Just to keep the bad dreams at bay, she took a swig out of a bottle that smelled of apples and happy brain-death.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps from moving cars.
It's funny because I think a lot of it is simply... We've never considered ourselves satirists, but because we're on Comedy Central and because we're South Park on Comedy Central, we can do any topic we want.
Trey Parker
Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic myshadow.
Steven Wright
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
Phyllis Diller
