Funny Quotes

As soon as you are trying to be funny or dramatic, that's when things start feeling fake and boring.

Joseph Gordon-Levitt

I was making my living from a joke about my appearance that I didn't understand, and in a way still don't, because when I look in a mirror it doesn't seem funny to me.

Wallace Shawn

She wore so much thick white makeup in order to conceal her naturally rosy complexion that if she turned around suddenly her face would probably end up on the back of her head.

Terry Pratchett

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because thatmeans it's going to be up all night.

Steven Wright

I have no culture, no humane harmony in my brains. I can't live without a culture anymore.

Kurt Vonnegut

It sounds funny, but the 2008 Olympics were something that just kind of happened, and I was lucky they came at a point when I was uninjured and well prepared. As a gymnast, you can't ask for much more.

Shawn Johnson

Who do I like? I am a big fan of French and Saunders - not that that they are particularly stand-up I have to say, but I think they have been great for women and they are of themselves just incredibly funny whether they are male or female.

Jo Brand

You know, you're rather amusingly wrong.

Terry Pratchett

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

Rodney Dangerfield

There are hardly any excesses of the most crazed psychopath that cannot easily be duplicated by a normal kindly family man who just comes in to work every day and has a job to do.

Terry Pratchett

Mrs. Cole was a good democrat. She hated all kids equally.

Stephen King

The funny thing about writing is that whether you're doing it well or you're doing it poorly, it looks the exact same. That is actually one of the main ways that writing is different from ballet dancing.

John Green

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street, and...........ooooohhhhhh, that's much better...

Steven Wright

I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut.

Ellen DeGeneres

Someone has to do it. It's all very well calling for eye of newt, but do you mean Common, Spotted or Great Crested? Which eye, anyway? Will tapioca do just as well? If we substitute egg white will the spell a) work b) fail or c) melt the bottom out of the cauldron? Goodie Whemper's curiosity about such things was huge and insatiable*.* Nearly insatiable. It was probably satiated in her last flight to test whether a broomstick could survive having its bristles pulled out one by one in mid-air. According to the small black raven she had trained as a flight recorder, the answer was almost certainly no.

Terry Pratchett

I am not forgotten, you know, no, I still receive a very great deal of fan mail.. . . Gladys Gudgeon writes . . . . I just wish I knew . . . .He paused, looking faintly puzzled, then beamed again and returned to his signing with renewed vigor. I suspect it is simply my good looks. . . .

J.K. Rowling

The difference between a Miracle and a Fact is exactly the difference between a mermaid and seal.

Mark Twain

my good qualities are under your protection, and you are to exaggerate them as much as possible; and, in return, it belongs to me to find occasion for teasing and quarreling with you as often as may be...

Jane Austen

Charlotte, darling, Henry said to his wife, who was staring at im in gape-mouthed horror. Jassamine, beside her, was wided eyed. Sorry im late. You know, i think i might nearly have the sensor working- Will interrupted. Henry, he said, your on fire. You do know that, don't you? Oh, yes, Henry said eagerly. The flames were now nearly to his shoulder. I've been working like a man possessed all day. Charlotte, did you hear what i said about the sensor? Charlotte dropped her hand from her mouth. Henry! She shrieked. Your arm! Henry glanced down at his arm, and his mouth dropped open.Bloody hell!

Cassandra Clare

It wasn't that Nanny Ogg sang badly. It was just that she could hit notes which, when amplified by a tin bath half full of water, ceased to be sound and became some sort of invasive presence.

Terry Pratchett