Funny Quotes

I visualized myself pulling on my mental thinking cap, jamming it down around my ears as I had taught myself to do. It was a tall, conical wizard's model, covered with chemical equations and formulae: a cornucopia of ideas.

Alan Bradley

In the center lay the exploded carcass of a lonely sperm whale that hadn't lived long enough to be disappointed with its lot.

Douglas Adams

In Paris they just simply opened their eyes and stared when we spoke to them in French! We never did succeed in making those idiots understand their own language.

Mark Twain

Ms. Bennett, do you know who I am? I am not accustomed to being spoken to in such a manner.

Jane Austen

What are American dry-goods? asked the duchess, raising her large hands in wonder and accentuating the verb.American novels, answered Lord Henry.

Oscar Wilde

Where is Polonius? HAMLET In heaven. Send hither to see. If your messenger find him not there, seek him i' th' other place yourself. But if indeed you find him not within this month, you shall nose him as you go up the stairs into the lobby.

William Shakespeare

A person obsessed with ultimate truth is a person asking to be relieved of money.

Robert Laughlin

When someone wants to become an astronaut and others are skeptical that will ever happen, I suddenly understand why the world is too small for that person.

Bauvard

I love Agatha like uh huh. I love her like an elephant needs nasty rhinoplasty and plastic rhino sex.

Jarod Kintz

During the Great Depression, when people laughed their worries disappeared. Audiences loved these funny men. I decided to become one.

Jerry Stiller

A metaphor is like a simile.

Steven Wright

Here are the Top Ten things that your parents say to you:-Is that all you're going to do all day, sit in front of the computer?-When I was your age I had two jobs.-Why don't you wear some clothes that fir for a change?-Turn it down. I can hear it all the way over here.-You're not eating that for dinner.-Did you do your homework?-Stop mumbling and speak up.-Now what did you do?-Because I said so.-No.

Charles Benoit

Smartass Disciple: If there were two masters, which one should I listen to?Master of Stupidity: Use the ears to the one who looks so stupid, eyes to else.

Toba Beta

There are few sources of energy so powerful as a procrastinating college student.

Paul Graham

He's acting as foolish as a kitten... but then, everyone's entitled to a little foolishness once in a while.

Christopher Paolini

Ah, damn it, lass,'he called after her. 'I've busted my stitches wide open.''What?'she cried, hurrying back to him. 'Let me see!''Ah-ha!' He snared her around the waist, dragging her down with him to his lap.'You still care for me!

Kresley Cole

I have a son in college. He's majoring in F.....g up.

Rodney Dangerfield

It is funny that men who are supposed to be scientific cannot get themselves to realise the basic principle of physics, that action and reaction are equal and opposite, that when you persecute people you always rouse them to be strong and stronger.

Gertrude Stein

What's so great about working with really funny women is that vanity comes second. Whatever makes it real and funny, they're going to go for, and it's just great.

Paul Feig

One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw themost gorgeous blond Chinese girl... I sat beside her. I said,Hi, and she said, Hi, and then I said, Nice day, isn'tit?, and she said, I saw my analyst today and he says I have aproblem. So I asked, What's the problem? She replied, Ican't tell you. I don't even know you... I said, Wellsometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect strangeron a bus. So she said, Well, my analyst said I'm anymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys... By the way, myname is Denise. I said, Hello, Denise. My name is BuckyGoldstein...

Steven Wright