Funny Quotes

Billy is a funny, cheeky, lovely boy and I love being with him. Parenthood is terrifying though. I can barely walk past a building without panicking that it's going to collapse on his head.

Rufus Sewell

Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.

Demetri Martin

The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!

Jerry Seinfeld

TV is easier: it's all planned out for you and the audience is there to see a show and they are all pumped up but when you are in a comedy club, you have to be really funny to win them over.

Drew Carey

People say funny things all the time during really serious moments in life.

Mark Ruffalo

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

Steven Wright

The elevator shaft was a kind of heat sink. Hot food was cold by the time it arrived. Cold food got colder. No one knew what would happen to ice cream, but it would probably involve some rewriting of the laws of thermodynamics.

Terry Pratchett

He kills her in her own humor.

William Shakespeare

Pride is all very well, but a sausage is a sausage.

Terry Pratchett

This isn't all true.

Steven Wright

she shall scant show well that now shows best.

William Shakespeare

When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back

Rodney Dangerfield

Niches set back in the walls contained polished marble statues of entwined bodies. Will looked away from them hastily, and then back. It wasn't as if Magnus seemed to be paying attention to what Will was doing, and he'd honestly never imagined two people could get themselves into a position like that, much less make it look artistic.

Cassandra Clare

What I actually want to call you is a hell of a lot more unprintable than your name

Cassandra Clare

Anyone can speak Troll. All you have to do is point and grunt.

J.K. Rowling

I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him...Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay! He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.

Steven Wright

I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.

Steven Wright

My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alkaseltzer.

Rodney Dangerfield

My experience in Amsterdam is that cyclists ride where the hell they like and aim in a state of rage at all pedestrians while ringing their bell loudly, the concept of avoiding people being foreign to them.My dream holiday would be a) a ticket to Amsterdam b) immunity from prosecution and c) a baseball bat.

Terry Pratchett

I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.

Steven Wright