Funny Quotes

DON'T THINK OF IT AS DYING, said Death. JUST THINK OF IT AS LEAVING EARLY TO AVOID THE RUSH.

Terry Pratchett

When human judgment and big data intersect there are some funny things that happen.

Nate Silver

I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.

Steven Wright

I like marriage. The idea.

Toni Morrison

We fatties have a bond, dude. It's like a secret society. We got all kinds of shit you don't know about. Handshakes, special fat people dances-we got these secret fugging lairs in the center of the earth and we go down there in the middle of the night when all the skinny kids are sleeping and eat cake and friend chicken and shit. Why d'you think Hollis is still sleeping, kafir? Because we were up all night in the secret lair injecting butter frosting into our veins. ...A fatty trusts another fatty.

John Green

My rapier wit hides my inner pain.

Cassandra Clare

I think she just asked if she could touch my mango.

Cassandra Clare

Laurence Olivier said in an interview once that when he plays a tragedy he always aims for the funny parts, and the other way around. Because in a comedy you look for what's serious. I think that's true. Sometimes things are really funny if you're absolutely earnest. If you're really serious, it's hilarious.

Christopher Walken

I can't give a Professor love!

J.K. Rowling

He can run faster than Severus Snape confronted with shampoo.

J.K. Rowling

(When asked: But you have a very open relationship with your fans.) Yes. We have an open relationship. Obviously they can see other authors if they want, and I can see other readers.

Neil Gaiman

Harry and Hermione are very platonic friends. But I won't answer for anyone else, nudge-nudge wink-wink!

J.K. Rowling

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Steven Wright

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Steven Wright

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Steven Wright

Going round and around inside a dryer can be fatal, whereas pasta is rarely fatal. Unless Isabelle makes it.

Cassandra Clare

This explains why, whenever a person says sie to me, I generally try to kill him, if a stranger.

Mark Twain

Can I have a look at Uranus too, Lavender?

J.K. Rowling

That wasn't any act of God. That was an act of pure human fuckery.

Stephen King

Adventure! People talked about the idea as if it were something worthwhile, rather than a mess of bad food, no sleep and strange people inexplicably trying to stick pointed objects in bits of you.

Terry Pratchett