Funny Quotes

Pasteboard pies and paper flowers are being banished from the stage by the growth of that power of accurate observation which is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it....

George Bernard Shaw

He was my mum and dad's best friend. He's a convicted murderer, but he's broken out of wizard prison and he's on the run. He likes to keep in touch with me, though...keep up with my news...check if I'm happy...

J.K. Rowling

You know what's funny? I don't ever feel the need to escape. I have a strong marriage. I like my life. You hear about these guys having midlife crises - I don't see that happening to me.

Harry Connick, Jr.

Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.

Rodney Dangerfield

He shivered. His coat was thin, and it was obvious he would not get his kiss, which he found puzzling. The manly heroes of the penny dreadfuls and shilling novels never had these problems getting kissed.

Neil Gaiman

It was absolutely necessary to interrupt him now.

Jane Austen

Life seems but a quick succession of busy nothings.

Jane Austen

An Assassin, a real Assassin had to look like one-black clothes, hood, boots, and all. If they could wear any clothes, any disguise, then what could anyone do but spend all day in a small room with a loaded crossbow pointed at the door?

Terry Pratchett

Progress just means bad things happen faster.

Terry Pratchett

The judge asked, What do you plead? I said, Insanity, your honour, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?

Steven Wright

I've never wished a man dead, but I have read some obituaries with great pleasure.

Mark Twain

For some reason, people find me funny. It's quite hard to define why a thought is funny. It's even harder to define why a person would be funny. It's a word that I can't define at all. But whether I know quite what it is or not, I seem to be it.

Wallace Shawn

I don't know who the hell Paul Lynde is, or why he's funny, and I prefer it to be a mystery to me.

Paul Lynde

Words were insufficient for the elevation of his [Mr Collins'] feelings; and he was obliged to walk about the room, while Elizabeth tried to unite civility and truth in a few short sentences.

Jane Austen

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.

Mark Twain

[He]said something that made it impossible to continue working for him.[The exact words were]You're fired.

Christopher Hitchens

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Steven Wright

I commend my soul to any god that can find it.

Terry Pratchett

It was long after midnight and the stars looked damp and chilly; the air was full of the busy silence of the night, which is created by hundreds of small furry things treading very carefully in the hope of finding dinner while avoiding being the main course.

Terry Pratchett

How in the name of Merlin's pants have you managed to get your hands on those Horcrux books?

J.K. Rowling