Funny Quotes

I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me... What'll you have? I said...surprise me. He showed me a naked picture of my wife.

Rodney Dangerfield

I would feel infinitely more comfortable in your presence if you would agree to treat gravity as a law, rather than one of a number of suggested options.

Neil Gaiman

I like men who have a future and women who have a past.

Oscar Wilde

WHY ARE YOU WORRYING ABOUT YOU-KNOW-WHO?YOU SHOULD BE WORRYING ABOUT U-NO-POO- THE CONSTIPATION SENSATION THAT'S GRIPPING THE NATION!Harry started to laugh. He heard a weak sort of moan beside him and looked round to see Mrs. Weasley gazing, dumbfounded, at the poster. Her lips moved, silently mouthing the name 'U-No-Poo.

J.K. Rowling

I was not particularly bright, I wasn't very athletic, I was a little too tall, odd, funny looking, I was just really weird as a kid.

Uma Thurman

I would like to do something modern and possibly funny.

Dan Stevens

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

Charles Dickens

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

Emo Philips

Wooing, wedding, and repenting is as a Scotch jig, a measure, and a cinque-pace: the first suit is hot and hasty like a Scotch jig--and full as fantastical; the wedding, mannerly modest, as a measure, full of state and ancientry; and then comes repentance and with his bad legs falls into the cinque-pace faster and faster, till he sink into his grave.

William Shakespeare

One year they wanted to make me poster boy.. for birth control.

Rodney Dangerfield

As it turned out, everyone wanted a doughnut. Jace wanted two.

Cassandra Clare

I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose.

Arthur Conan Doyle

I knew exactly what to do on Alien, it was funny.

Ridley Scott

But I think funny and talent will always win out I mean, of course there are hurdles, but I think if you're funny you will get over all of that.

Wanda Sykes

My main point is to be funny if I can slip a message in there, fine.

Flip Wilson

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

Joan Rivers

Whoever is my relative, I will not be nice to them.

George Lopez

They're great girls. They're very funny, they're very smart, they're fun to be with. They're very lively, as I think people can tell. And you know, they're very confident girls.

Laura Bush

Here is a lesson in creative writing.First rule: Do not use semicolons. They are transvestite hermaphrodites representing absolutely nothing. All they do is show you've been to college.And I realize some of you may be having trouble deciding whether I am kidding or not. So from now on I will tell you when I'm kidding.For instance, join the National Guard or the Marines and teach democracy. I'm kidding.We are about to be attacked by Al Qaeda. Wave flags if you have them. That always seems to scare them away. I'm kidding.If you want to really hurt your parents, and you don't have the nerve to be gay, the least you can do is go into the arts. I'm not kidding. The arts are not a way to make a living. They are a very human way of making life more bearable. Practicing an art, no matter how well or badly, is a way to make your soul grow, for heaven's sake. Sing in the shower. Dance to the radio. Tell stories. Write a poem to a friend, even a lousy poem. Do it as well as you possibly can. You will get an enormous reward. You will have created something.

Kurt Vonnegut

You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check isin the mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like thatall the time.

Steven Wright