Funny Quotes

People said there had to be a Supreme Being because otherwise how could the universe exist, eh?And of course there clearly had to be, said Koomi, a Supreme Being. But since the universe was a bit of a mess, it was obvious that the Supreme Being hadn't in fact made it. If he had made it he would, being Supreme, have made a better job of it, with far better thought given, taking an example at random, to things like the design of the common nostril. Or, to put it another way, the existence of a badly put-together watch proved the existence of a blind watchmaker. You only had to look around to see that there was room for improvement practically everywhere. This suggested that the Universe had probably been put together in a bit of a rush by an underling while the Supreme Being wasn't looking, in the same way that Boy Scouts' Association minutes are done on office photocopiers all over the country.So, reasoned Koomi, it was not a good idea to address any prayers to a Supreme Being. It would only attract his attention and might cause trouble.

Terry Pratchett

I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.

Steven Wright

Only one English word adequately describes his transformation of the islands from worthless to priceless: magical.

Kurt Vonnegut

I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.

Steven Wright

Yesterday I parked my car in a towaway zone... When I cameback the entire area was missing.

Steven Wright

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

Henny Youngman

Hash, x. There is no definition for this word - nobody knows what hash is.Famous, adj. Conspicuously miserable.Dictionary, n. A malevolent literary device for cramping the growth of a language and making it hard and inelastic. This dictionary, however, is a most useful work.

Ambrose Bierce

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child...eventually.

Steven Wright

I feel like I might start crying and that I'm going to cry pee.

John Green

Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

Jerry Seinfeld

Hollywood's just not funny.

Chris Rock

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.

Steven Wright

I wish you would tell me your secret. To get back my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable.

Oscar Wilde

An Egg to day is better than a Hen to-morrow

Benjamin Franklin

I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. It was supposed to be hot today.

Steven Wright

An empty stomach is not a good political adviser.

Albert Einstein

It's funny how you never think about the women you've had. It's always the ones who get away that you can't forget.

Chuck Palahniuk

If you were going to be successful in the world of crime, you needed a reputation for honesty.

Terry Pratchett

I rant, therefore I am.

Dennis Miller

Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?

Steven Wright