Funny Quotes

I've been to many funerals of funny people, and they're some of the funniest days you'll ever have, because the emotions run high.

Albert Brooks

I always approach comedy roles pretending they aren't funny.

Brendan Fraser

It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.

Terry Pratchett

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anythingspecifically.

Steven Wright

The purpose of this lectchoor is to let you know where we are. We are in the deep cack. It couldn't be worse if it was raining arseholes. Any questions?

Terry Pratchett

n. - A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

Ambrose Bierce

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use theflash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich andtook fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there waslightning in my house.

Steven Wright

The gods too are fond of a joke.

Aristotle

If you actually are an educated, thinking person, you will not be welcome in Washington, D.C. I know a couple of bright seventh graders who would not be welcome in Washington D.C.

Kurt Vonnegut

They deem him their worst enemy who tells them the truth. -Plato, philosopher (427-347 BCE)

Plato

You know, you can touch a stick of dynamite, but if you touch a venomous snake it'll turn around and bite you and kill you so fast it's not even funny.

Steve Irwin

When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There wasa gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was runningdown the street on a purple wooden horse.

Steven Wright

What is Man? Man is a noisome bacillus whom Our Heavenly Father created because he was disappointed in the monkey.

Mark Twain

There was a small wooden gazebo built out over the water; Isabelle was sitting in it, staring out across the lake. She looked like a princess in a fairy tale, waiting at the top of her tower for someone to ride up and rescue her. Not that traditional princess behavior was like Isabelle at all. Isabelle with her whip and boots and knives would chop anyone who tried to pen her up in a tower into pieces, build a bridge out of the remains, and walk carelessly to freedom, her hair looking fabulous the entire time.

Cassandra Clare

AMNESTY, n. The state's magnanimity to those offenders whom it would be too expensive to punish.

Ambrose Bierce

I went to a fancy french restaurant called Deja Vu. Theheadwaiter said, Don't I know you?

Steven Wright

The person, be it gentleman or lady, who has not pleasure in a good novel, must be intolerably stupid.

Jane Austen

That's Third Thoughts for you. When a huge rock is going to land on your head, they're the thoughts that think: Is that an igneous rock, such as granite, or is it sandstone? - Tiffany Aching in

Terry Pratchett

Here she tossed her foot impatiently, and showed an inch or two of calf. A sailor on the mast, who happened to look down at the moment, started so violently that he missed his footing and only saved himself by the skin of his teeth. 'If the sight of my ankles means death to an honest fellow who, no doubt, has a wife and family to support, I must, in all humanity, keep them covered,' Orlando thought. Yet her legs were among her chieftest beauties. And she fell to thinking what an odd pass we have come to when all a woman's beauty has to be kept covered lest a sailor fall from a mast-head. 'A pox on them!' she said, realizing for the first time what, in other circumstances, she would have been taught as a child, that is to say, the sacred responsibilities of womanhood...

Virginia Woolf

Genius is always allowed some leeway, once the hammer has been pried from its hands and the blood has been cleaned up.

Terry Pratchett