Funny Quotes

You know the funny thing, I don't get along with rich people. I get along with the middle class and the poor people better than I get along with the rich people.

Donald Trump

At least Kyle wasn't home. That would be a hard one to explain to his new roomate. Nobody liked a guy who kept blood in the fridge.

Cassandra Clare

Before I refuse to take your questions, I have an opening statement.

Ronald Reagan

One day I'll work out what it is you are saying, my lad, and then you'll be in trouble.

Terry Pratchett

My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.

Rodney Dangerfield

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him...If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion...he said... All right...you're ugly too!

Rodney Dangerfield

It ought to be an offense to be excruciating and unfunny in circumstances where your audience is almost morally obliged to enthuse.

Christopher Hitchens

You can't possibly ask me to go without having some dinner. It's absurd. I never go without my dinner. No one ever does, except vegetarians and people like that.

Oscar Wilde

I don't hate humanity and I'm not interested in people who do. Although, it's funny, actually, some of my favorite writers really do. Like Martin Amis. My dirty secret. 'London Fields' is one of my favorite books ever. And it's indefensible! But he's so funny... I forgive him everything.

Elizabeth Gilbert

I love weird or funny or beautiful sentences Joy Williams could write a microwave-oven manual and I'm sure I'd love it, because the sentences would be tuned up like music.

Karen Russell

If you think something's funny, go with that. Most comedians pull jokes from a place of honesty.

Olivia Munn

Yes; poor Bunbury is a dreadful invalid.Well, I must say, Algernon, that I think it is high time that Mr. Bunbury made up his mind whether he was going to live or to die. This shillyshallying with the question is absurd.

Oscar Wilde

I had seen movies before that that had made me laugh, but I had never seen anything even remotely close to as funny as Richard Pryor was, just standing there talking.

Joe Rogan

I wouldn't totally rule out doing Letterman or the Tonight Show if I had a set that I just happened to write that I thought was funny but was still appropriate for network censors. But I'm not going to go out of my way.

Joe Rogan

When I was a little kid, I wrote this play about all these characters living in a haunted house. There was a witch who lived there, and a mummy. When they were all hassling him, this guy who bought the house - I can't believe I remember this - he said to them, 'Who's paying the mortgage on this haunted house?' I thought that was really funny.

Mindy Kaling

That's what I hate about a lot of comedies, when you're hitting a line or making it funny.

Jennifer Aniston

They love their hair because they're not smart enough to love something more interesting.

John Green

If you're texting Magnus to say 'I think u r kewl' I'm going to kill you

Cassandra Clare

My VCR flashes 01:35, 01:35, 01:35, ...

Steven Wright

I think 'Saturday Night Live', starting in the 1970s, really gave women an outlet to be funny. A lot of those women went on to have film careers, from Kristen Wiig now to Tina Fey and Gilda Radner.

Emma Stone