Funny Quotes

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.

Steven Wright

My girlfriend does her nails with whiteout. When she's asleep,I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

Steven Wright

Sometimes I think it is a great mistake to have matter that can think and feel. It complains so. By the same token, though, I suppose that boulders and mountains and moons could be accused of being a little too phlegmatic.

Kurt Vonnegut

What a refreshing mind you have, young man. There really is nothing quite like total ignorance, is there?

Neil Gaiman

If women were as good as men they'd be a lot better!

Terry Pratchett

I went to court for a parking ticket. I pleaded insanity. Isaid, Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park inthe passing lane?

Steven Wright

I have a business appointment that I am anxious... to miss.

Oscar Wilde

Young people, nowadays, imagine that money is everything.Yes, murmured Lord Henry, settling his button-hole in his coat; and when they grow older they know it.

Oscar Wilde

The mind is a complex and many-layered thing, Potter ... or at least, most minds are...

J.K. Rowling

I got an answering machine for my phone. Now when I'm not homeand somebody calls me up, they hear a recording of a busysignal. I like to leave messages before the beep.

Steven Wright

Colon has always thought that heroes had some special kind of clockwork that made them go out and die famously for god, country and apple pie, or whatever particular delicacy their mother made. It had never occurred to him that they might do it because they'd get yelled at if they didn't.

Terry Pratchett

The secret to humor is surprise.

Aristotle

I saw a sign at a gas station. It said help wanted. There was another sign below it that said self service. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.

Steven Wright

Young men want to be faithful, and are not; old men want to be faithless, and cannot.

Oscar Wilde

Ankh-Morpork had dallied with many forms of government and had ended up with that form of democracy known as One Man, One Vote. The Patrician was the Man; he had the Vote.

Terry Pratchett

The last thing I ever wanted was to be alive when the three most powerful people on the whole planet would be named Bush, Dick and Colon.

Kurt Vonnegut

My girlfriend was so fat her clothes were made by Omar the tent maker.

Rodney Dangerfield

She shuddered. Oh, no. I hate chocolate.Will looked horrified. What kind of monster could possibly hate chocolate?

Cassandra Clare

I am, he thought dimly, watching a vampire take a piss.

Stephen King

Think of the fierce energy concentrated in an acorn! You bury it in the ground, and it explodes into an oak!

George Bernard Shaw