Funny Quotes

My dentist has bad breath......Why every time he smokes he blows onion rings.

Rodney Dangerfield

The Captain of the Watch says if you're still in the City by sunrise he will personally have you buried alive.

Terry Pratchett

Humor is a way of holding off how awful life can be.

Kurt Vonnegut

Boy were we poor, if I wasn't born a boy I would of had nothing to play with.

Rodney Dangerfield

Hitchcock had a charm about him. He was very funny at times. He was incredibly brilliant in his field of suspense.

Tippi Hedren

I don't do what I'm told, but I might do what you want if you ask me nicely.

Cassandra Clare

If I tell you another seven hundred times, maybe one of these days you might turn your clothes right side out when you put them in the hamper, eh?

Jodi Picoult

My dentist found a new way to cover up his bad breath...he holds up his arms

Rodney Dangerfield

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face...turned me over and said.. Look...twins!

Rodney Dangerfield

Selfish, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.

Ambrose Bierce

I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.

Steven Wright

He that tries to recommend (Shakespeare) by select quotations, will succeed like the pedant in Hierocles, who, when he offered his house to sale, carried a brick in his pocket as a specimen

Samuel Johnson

Anyway, it's like with bikes,' said the first speaker authoritatively. 'I thought I was going to get this bike with seven gears and one of them razorblade saddles and purple paint and everything, and they gave me this light blue one. With a basket. A girl's bike.''Well. You're a girl,' said one of the others.'That's sexism, that is. Going around giving people girly presents just because they're a girl.

Terry Pratchett

I mean, I - it's so funny, I am, you know, I am, you know, a working woman out in the world, but I still live with my parents half the time. I've been sort of taking this very long, stuttering period of moving out.

Lena Dunham

I had a very funny family.

Zach Braff

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentallywalk through into another dimension.

Steven Wright

If there was anything that depressed him more than his own cynicism, it was that quite often it still wasn't as cynical as real life.

Terry Pratchett

You do know you could find yourself charged with being a dominant species while under the influence of impulse-driven consumerism, don't you?

Terry Pratchett

I called the Census Bureau to see why they hadn't sent me aform, and they said that I was too nondescript to influence thedemographics one way or another.

Steven Wright

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

Steven Wright