Funny Quotes

We live in the midst of alarms; anxiety beclouds the future; we expect some new disaster with each newspaper we read.

Abraham Lincoln

Last time I went skiing, I had to get up at 5:00 in the morning.I knew I couldn't do that, so I slept with my skis on. My ridecame at 5:30 in the morning, couldn't wake me up so he carriedme out of the house, put my skis on the roof rack of the car,and drove to the mountain. Seventeen miles later, I woke up outof this incredibly bizarre dream that I was skydivinghorizontally. I'm sure this has happened to you.

Steven Wright

norris didn't cry, but he was apt to puke on them, the way he had puked on homer gamache that time he had found homer sprawled in a ditch out by homeland cemetary, beaten to death with his own artificial arm.

Stephen King

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.

Steven Wright

I woke up one morning and looked around the room. Something wasn't right. I realized that someone had broken in the night before and replaced everything in my apartment with an exact replica. I couldn't believe it...I got my roommate and showed him. I said, Look at thiseverything's been replaced with an exact replica! He said, Do I know you?

Steven Wright

Humor is the first of the gifts to perish in a foreign tongue.

Virginia Woolf

Do I have a long-term plan? Kind of. I have a general direction, I think. But it's funny what comes down the pike.

Jeff Bridges

But Rosa soon made the discovery that Miss Twinkleton didn't read fairly. She cut the love-scenes, interpolated passages in praise of female celibacy, and was guilty of other glaring pious frauds.

Charles Dickens

Why are there five syllables in the word monosyllabic?

Steven Wright

Get up, you useless lump, get up!

J.K. Rowling

I think the pattern of my essays is, A funny thing happened to me on my way through Finnegans Wake.

Leslie Fiedler

The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.

Oscar Wilde

People never ask people doing serious music, 'Do you ever think about doing funny music?'

Al Yankovic

Every intelligent being, whether it breathes or not, coughs nervously at some time in its life.

Terry Pratchett

This is funny because I just had a job over the summer for VH1, a project I did called Strange Frequency where I got to play a Goth rock band singer.

Charisma Carpenter

Jeremy tried to be an interesting person. The trouble was that he was the kind of person who, having decided to be an interesting person, would first of all try to find a book called How to Be An Interesting Person and then see whether there were any courses available.

Terry Pratchett

Comedy clubs can be brutal. Those people are for real, and if you aren't funny, they aren't laughing. They don't care who you are.

Marlon Wayans

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Ernest Hemingway

Karaoke isn't fair when you're a comedian. The whole idea is to get people laughing and enjoying themselves, and I'm a professional funny guy.

Chris Rock

The most important thing is to write material that YOU think is funny. If you don't think it's funny, but you're convinced that other people will think it is, well they won't.

Mo Rocca