Funny Quotes

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me.

Elayne Boosler

There you are. A simple commandment. Not ten of them, just one: 'Thou shalt not eat.' (Personally, I wish the very first edict from God hadn't involved dieting, don't you?)

Liz Curtis Higgs

Half of seeming clever is keeping your mouth shut at the right times.

Patrick Rothfuss

I'd rather live my life believing in God to die and see there is one. Because if there isn't one, it means there's no eternal life, therefore I will never know.

Sandra Chami Kassis

Alcohol is the cause and the solution to many of life's problems.

Dan Castellaneta

What would have been the fate of sages if there were no fools?

Ogwo David Emenike

Love's a funny thing, especially with a man who gets paid to put junk in other people's slots. (The Mail Man)

Andrew Sturm

Laboring through a world every day more stultified, which expected salvation in codes and governments, ever more willing to settle for suburban narratives and diminished payoffs--what were the chances of finding anyone else seeking to transcend that, and not even particularly aware of it?

Thomas Pynchon

Wish in one hand, shit in the other, see which one fills up faster.

Noelle Oxenhandler

I still love him so much I'll hide any amount of conjugated estrogen in his food. So much I'll do anything to destroy him.

Chuck Palahniuk

Night clubs are where Americans learn the laws of motion.

Bauvard

I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is that your house hasn't burned down, you don't have cancer, and your daughter hasn't been raped or murdered. The bad news is that I ran over your dog. And your son. And his wife. But not before I ran out of gas to achieve all of that.

Jarod Kintz

In every relationship one must sacrifice to show thy love. Are you willing to make sacrifices for someone you love?

Jonathan Anthony Burkett

Sarcasm is when you tell someone the truth by lying on purpose.

Chuck Klosterman

It's so hard to believe in anything anymore. I mean, it's like, religion, you really can't take it seriously, because it seems so mythological, it seems so arbitrary...but, on the other hand, science is just pure empiricism, and by virtue of its method, it excludes metaphysics. I guess I wouldn't believe in anything anymore if it weren't for my lucky astrology mood watch.

Steve Martin

Pastors are starting to get wily. When people tell my friend, 'I'm not being fed,' he replies, 'I'm prefectly happy to spoon feed my one-year-old. But if I'm still spoon-feeding him when he's five, we've got a problem. Here's a fork. Feed yourself.

Jonathan Acuff

I am a slave to your love. Well, more like indentured servant.

Jarod Kintz

Always dip your toe in the past before stepping into the future

Benny Bellamacina

It's one thing to have a divinely inspired love given to you to experience and share; it's something else altogether to recognize it when it appears. Our job is to go on being humbled and grateful that we should get to experience such a thing in our lifetimes, and preserve its magic by doing the most responsible thing possible to keep it alive . . . Just keep saying yes.

Mark Fiore

Never underestimate the stimulation of eccentricity.

Neil Simon