Funny Quotes

As long as there was coffee in the world, how bad could things be?

Cassandra Clare

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

James Thurber

I like to skate on the other side of the ice.

Steven Wright

It's funny because I'm a sucker for glitz and glitter when it comes to clothes and nail polish, but with my makeup, I'm more comfortable with a natural look. It feels more like me.

Alison Sweeney

It's funny how intimate it feels to get a text.

Sophie Ellis Bextor

Sometimes you remind me a lot of James. He called it my 'furry little problem' in company. Many people were under the impression that I owned a badly behaved rabbit.

J.K. Rowling

Crying is for plain women. Pretty women go shopping.

Oscar Wilde

I don't just try to be funny.

Bil Keane

Babies don't come with instruction booklets. You'd learn the same way we all do -- you'd read up on dinosaurs, you'd Google backhoes and skidders. And you don't need a penis to go buy a baseball glove.

Jodi Picoult

I'm half Jewish, I'm half black, I look in-between. I dress funny. I play all these different styles of music on one record. It's like, What is he doing?

Lenny Kravitz

When I was in high school I used to sit by myself in the cafeteria - not necessarily by choice - but I thought it was funny to talk to people that weren't there.

Zach Galifianakis

It is a popular fact that nine-tenths of the brain is not used and, like most popular facts, it is wrong. Not even the most stupid Creator would go to the trouble of making the human head carry around several pounds of unnecessary gray goo if its only real purpose was, for example, to serve as a delicacy for certain remote tribesmen in unexplored valleys.

Terry Pratchett

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Steven Wright

I had a problem. I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem...I don't know who to thank!

Rodney Dangerfield

It's a funny thing that when a man hasn't anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.

Robert Frost

Never fight an inanimate object.

P. J. O'Rourke

If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all themoney go?

Steven Wright

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

Rodney Dangerfield

Her voice was now so shrill only bats would be able to hear it soon, but she had reached a level of indignation that rendered her temporarily speechless..

J.K. Rowling

I love things made out of animals. It's just so funny to think of someone saying, 'I need a letter opener. I guess I'll have to kill a deer.

David Sedaris