Funny Quotes

If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.

Jack Lemmon

It unscrews the other way.

J.K. Rowling

Honestly, Clary, if you don't start utilizing a bit of your natural feminine superiority I just don't know what I'll do with you.

Cassandra Clare

But there was another class of people, the real people. To this class they all belonged, and in it the great thing was to be elegant, generous, plucky, gay, to abandon oneself without a blush to every passion, and to laugh at everything else.

Leo Tolstoy

I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking the owner, how big I'd get.

Rodney Dangerfield

A man's got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book.

Ernest Hemingway

The only difference between Hitler and Bush is that Hitler was elected.

Kurt Vonnegut

I'd luv to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair.

Bette Davis

All generalizations are false, including this one.

Mark Twain

On Halloween..the parents send their kids out looking like me. Last year.. one kid tried to rip my face off! Now it's different.. when I answer the door the kids hand me candy.

Rodney Dangerfield

The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.

Al Gore

JACKThat is nonsense. If I marry a charming girl like Gwendolen, and she is the only girl I ever saw in my life that I would marry, I certainly won't want to know Bunbury.ALGERNONThen your wife will. You don't seem to realize, that in married life three is company and two is none.JACKThat, my dear young friend, is the theory that the corrupt French Drama has been propounding for the last fifty years.ALGERNONYes; and that the happy English home has proved in half the time.

Oscar Wilde

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I hadany firearms with me. I said, Well, what do you need?

Steven Wright

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get mycar going really fast, and stick it out the window. I've beenarrested three times for practicing.

Steven Wright

I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you.

Robin Williams

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

George Carlin

Design is a funny word. Some people think design means how it looks. But of course, if you dig deeper, it's really how it works.

Steve Jobs

The Macintosh may only have 10% of the market, but it is clearly the top 10%.

Douglas Adams

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!

Mitch Hedberg

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Johnny Carson