Humor Quotes

Why is it that at a bachelor's establishment the servants invariably drink the champagne? I ask merely for information.I attribute it to the superior quality of the wine, sir. I have often observed that in married households the champagne is rarely of a first-rate brand.Good Heavens! Is marriage so demoralizing as that?I believe it is a very pleasant state, sir. I have had very little experience of it myself up to the present. I have only been married once. That was in consequence of a misunderstanding between myself and a young person.

Oscar Wilde

I visited Jobs for the last time in his Palo Alto, Calif., home. He had moved to a downstairs bedroom because he was too weak to go up and down stairs. He was curled up in some pain, but his mind was still sharp and his humor vibrant.

Walter Isaacson

It was considered at the time a striking proof of virtue in the young king that he was sorry for his father's death;but, as common subjects have that virtue too, sometimes, we will say no more about it.

Charles Dickens

My books are shelved in different places, depending on the bookstore. Sometimes they can be found in the Mystery section, sometimes in the Humor department, and occasionally even in the Literature aisle, which is somewhat astounding.

Carl Hiaasen

If you think I'm going to let six people risk their lives - !''because it's the first time for all of us,' said Ron.'This is different, pretending to be me -''Well, none of us really fancy it, Harry,' said Fred earnestly. 'Imagine if something went wrong and we were stuck as specky, scrawny gits forever.'Harry did not smile. 'You can't do it if I don't cooperate, you need me to give you some hair.''Well, that's the plan scuppered,' said George. 'Obviously there's no chance at all of us getting a bit of your hair unless you cooperate.''Yeah, thirteen of us against one bloke who's not allowed to use magic; we've got no chance,' said Fred.

J.K. Rowling

I never made one of my discoveries through the process of rational thinking

Albert Einstein

there is a fine line between sarcasm and hostility, you seemed to have crossed it. What's up?

Cassandra Clare

There is one other reason for dressing well, namely that dogs respect it, and will not attack you in good clothes.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

n.: In Italian, a beautiful lady; in English a deadly poison.

Ambrose Bierce

Of all the trees we could've hit, we had to get one that hits back.

J.K. Rowling

One day I ran into my girlfriend with my car. She asked me why I didn't ride around her. I told her that I didn't think I had enough gas.

Rodney Dangerfield

Also, I'm sleeping with your mom. Just thought you should know.

Cassandra Clare

Um, uh, gah.

Rick Riordan

I think the next best thing to solving a problem is finding some humor in it.

Frank A. Clark

There is a proverbial saying chiefly concerned with warning against too closely calculating the numerical value of un-hatched chicks.

Neil Gaiman

When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.

Bill Watterson

I tossed my shoulders and swaggered away, whistling with pleasure. In the gutter I saw a long cigaret butt. I picked it up without shame, lit it as I stood with one foot in the gutter, puffed it and exhaled toward the stars. I was an American, and goddamn proud of it.

John Fante

Married people should not be quick to hear what is said by either when in ill humor.

Samuel Richardson

We don't appreciate the value of humor sometimes.

Janet Evanovich

I saw a close friend of mine the other day...He said, Stephen, why haven't you called me? I said, I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it. He said, How long have you had it? I said, I don't know...my calendar has no sevens on it.

Steven Wright