Humor Quotes

Today I dialed a wrong number...The other person said, Hello? and I said, Hello, could I speak to Joey?...They said, Uh...I don't think so...he's only 2 months old. I said, I'll wait.

Steven Wright

Purkey is the source of this quotation that is attributed to many others: it was made popular in the song Come From The Heart written by Susannah Clark and Richard Leigh. Purkey closed his speeches with this poem and it has now made it into the public d

Bertrand Russell

I was born by Caesarean section, but you really can't tell...except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window...

Steven Wright

The presence of those seeking the truth is infinitely to be preferred to the presence of those who think they've found it.

Terry Pratchett

He would make a good lamp post if he'd weather better and didn't have to eat.

Kurt Vonnegut

The script was just the best I'd read in a long time and I love the humor, which I wasn't expecting, and I like the fact that my six year old daughter can see the show without being, you know, protected from it.

Stephen Collins

It is the ability to take a joke, not make one, that proves you have a sense of humor.

Max Eastman

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

Steven Wright

He kills her in her own humor.

William Shakespeare

Pride is all very well, but a sausage is a sausage.

Terry Pratchett

This isn't all true.

Steven Wright

When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back

Rodney Dangerfield

Niches set back in the walls contained polished marble statues of entwined bodies. Will looked away from them hastily, and then back. It wasn't as if Magnus seemed to be paying attention to what Will was doing, and he'd honestly never imagined two people could get themselves into a position like that, much less make it look artistic.

Cassandra Clare

Anyone can speak Troll. All you have to do is point and grunt.

J.K. Rowling

I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him...Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay! He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.

Steven Wright

I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.

Steven Wright

My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alkaseltzer.

Rodney Dangerfield

My experience in Amsterdam is that cyclists ride where the hell they like and aim in a state of rage at all pedestrians while ringing their bell loudly, the concept of avoiding people being foreign to them.My dream holiday would be a) a ticket to Amsterdam b) immunity from prosecution and c) a baseball bat.

Terry Pratchett

I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.

Steven Wright

A man walked across the moors from Razorback to Lancre town without seeing a single marshlight, head-less dog, strolling tree, ghostly coach or comet, and had to be taken in by a tavern and given a drink to unsteady his nerves.

Terry Pratchett