Humor Quotes

To begin with, I dined there on Monday, and once a week is quite enough to dine with one's own relations.

Oscar Wilde

LADY BRACKNELLThirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years. Lady Dumbleton is an instance in point. To my own knowledge she has been thirty-five ever since she arrived at the age of forty, which was many years ago now.

Oscar Wilde

I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.

Steven Wright

It's a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can't eat for eight hours; he can't drink for eight hours; he can't make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work.

William Faulkner

My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get hisbirthmark until he was eight years old.

Steven Wright

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes solater I can ask him what he meant.

Steven Wright

When I go, I'm flying Air Bizarre. It's a good airline. Youbuy a one way round trip ticket. You leave any Monday, and theybring you back the previous Friday... That way you still havethe weekend.

Steven Wright

(Referring to a glass of water:) I mixed this myself. Twoparts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!

Steven Wright

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Steven Wright

People who know me know I have a sense of humor that can really push the envelope.

Carmen Electra

Those darling byegone times, Mr Carker,' said Cleopatra, 'with their delicious fortresses, and their dear old dungeons, and their delightful places of torture, and their romantic vengeances, and their picturesque assaults and sieges, and everything that makes life truly charming! How dreadfully we have degenerated!

Charles Dickens

There's always a source for humor.

Calvin Trillin

The combination of landing the biggest interview of my career and having a drill in my back reminds me that God only gives us what we can handle and that it helps to have a good sense of humor when we run smack into the absurdity of life.

Robin Roberts

I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and said, Hey, you have two different colored socks on. I said, Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness.

Steven Wright

Every time I do a movie like 'Finding Neverland' or 'Chocolat' or 'Shakespeare' in Love,' we deal with the creative process, but there's humor and fun along the way. I always love that kind of movie.

Harvey Weinstein

The nation that complacently and fearfully allows its artists and writers to become suspected rather than respected is no longer regarded as a nation possessed with humor or depth.

James Thurber

I don't really dissect comedy. Nothing kills off humor more than overanalyzing it.

David Steinberg

Democratic politicians have disliked things I've written, Republican politicians... if they all love you, you might as well be driving a Good Humor truck.

Adam Clymer

Confidence and a good sense of humor can usually win a chick over.

Danny McBride

I think the scariest person in the world is the person with no sense of humor.

Michael J. Fox