Humor Quotes

The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, right here, officer. Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, Get out of my driveway!

Steven Wright

I think part of being a parent is trying to kill your kids.

Stephen King

We who think we are about to die will laugh at anything.

Terry Pratchett

Murder is like potato chips: you can't stop with just one.

Stephen King

The thing about For Better or Worse is the only thing that made me an okay director for that is that I have a sense of humor, and it was supposed to be funny.

Jason Alexander

I had a girlfriend that was so fat she had a dress with a sign on the back saying...Caution Wide Load.

Rodney Dangerfield

Well, why did you kill Jeremiah? And don't bother feeding me some story about how you just happened to wander along after he spontaneously died. I know you did this.

Cassandra Clare

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

Steven Wright

I MAY HAVE ALLOWED MYSELF SOME FLICKER OF EMOTION IN THE RECENT PAST, said Death, BUT I CAN GIVE IT UP ANY TIME I LIKE.

Terry Pratchett

If the self-help books worked, it would be a shrinking industry not a growing one.

Steve Maraboli

Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up,and smile for a satellite picture.

Steven Wright

The trouble was that he was talking in philosophy but they were listening in gibberish.

Terry Pratchett

If you write the word monkey a million times, do you start tothink you're Shakespeare?

Steven Wright

You're Hell's Angels, then? What chapter are you from?'REVELATIONS, CHAPTER SIX.

Neil Gaiman

Astriola. That IS demon pox. You had evidence that demon pox existed and you didnt mention it to me! Et tu, Brute!' He rolled up the paper and hit Jem over the head with it.

Cassandra Clare

I remember one guy gave her a good piece of his mind. yeah, it was right after she took a good piece of his leg.

Rodney Dangerfield

Mr. and Mrs. Dursley, of number four, Privet Drive, were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much. They were the last people you'd expect to be involved in anything strange or mysterious, because they just didn't hold with such nonsense.

J.K. Rowling

If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave afan club?

Steven Wright

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale.She said, It's free with purchase. I asked her if anyonebought anything today.

Steven Wright

His eyes are as green as a fresh pickled toad,His hair is as dark as a blackboard.I wish he was mine, he's really divine,The hero who conquered the Dark Lord.

J.K. Rowling