Humor Quotes

In the midst of the fountain of wit there arises something bitter, which stings in the very flowers.

Lucretius

Humor is healing.

Brad Garrett

My dentist has bad breath......Why every time he smokes he blows onion rings.

Rodney Dangerfield

Suppose the world were only one of God's jokes, would you work any the less to make it a good joke instead of a bad one?

George Bernard Shaw

Humor is a way of holding off how awful life can be.

Kurt Vonnegut

Boy were we poor, if I wasn't born a boy I would of had nothing to play with.

Rodney Dangerfield

I don't do what I'm told, but I might do what you want if you ask me nicely.

Cassandra Clare

If I tell you another seven hundred times, maybe one of these days you might turn your clothes right side out when you put them in the hamper, eh?

Jodi Picoult

My dentist found a new way to cover up his bad breath...he holds up his arms

Rodney Dangerfield

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face...turned me over and said.. Look...twins!

Rodney Dangerfield

Selfish, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.

Ambrose Bierce

I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.

Steven Wright

Anyway, it's like with bikes,' said the first speaker authoritatively. 'I thought I was going to get this bike with seven gears and one of them razorblade saddles and purple paint and everything, and they gave me this light blue one. With a basket. A girl's bike.''Well. You're a girl,' said one of the others.'That's sexism, that is. Going around giving people girly presents just because they're a girl.

Terry Pratchett

Humor was not important only for me, humor was important for this nation for centuries, to survive, you know.

Milos Forman

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentallywalk through into another dimension.

Steven Wright

If there was anything that depressed him more than his own cynicism, it was that quite often it still wasn't as cynical as real life.

Terry Pratchett

I called the Census Bureau to see why they hadn't sent me aform, and they said that I was too nondescript to influence thedemographics one way or another.

Steven Wright

We must laugh at man to avoid crying for him.

Napoleon Bonaparte

Comedians are not usually actors, but imitations of actors.

Johann Georg Zimmermann

Witticism. A sharp and clever remark, usually quoted and seldom noted; what the Philistine is pleased to call a joke.

Ambrose Bierce