Humor Quotes

We live in the midst of alarms; anxiety beclouds the future; we expect some new disaster with each newspaper we read.

Abraham Lincoln

Last time I went skiing, I had to get up at 5:00 in the morning.I knew I couldn't do that, so I slept with my skis on. My ridecame at 5:30 in the morning, couldn't wake me up so he carriedme out of the house, put my skis on the roof rack of the car,and drove to the mountain. Seventeen miles later, I woke up outof this incredibly bizarre dream that I was skydivinghorizontally. I'm sure this has happened to you.

Steven Wright

norris didn't cry, but he was apt to puke on them, the way he had puked on homer gamache that time he had found homer sprawled in a ditch out by homeland cemetary, beaten to death with his own artificial arm.

Stephen King

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.

Steven Wright

Prithee don't screw your wit beyond the compass of good manners.

Colley Cibber

I woke up one morning and looked around the room. Something wasn't right. I realized that someone had broken in the night before and replaced everything in my apartment with an exact replica. I couldn't believe it...I got my roommate and showed him. I said, Look at thiseverything's been replaced with an exact replica! He said, Do I know you?

Steven Wright

Humor is the first of the gifts to perish in a foreign tongue.

Virginia Woolf

Academics tend to have wonderfully infantile senses of humor.

John Lithgow

A pun is not bound by the laws which limit nicer wit. It is a pistol let off at the ear; not a feather to tickle the intellect.

Charles Lamb

Comedy has to be based on truth. You take the truth and you put a little curlicue at the end.

Sid Caesar

I've met a lot of people who've lost their jobs and they still have a sense of humor.

Louis C. K.

Comedy, we may say, is society protecting itself - with a smile.

J. B. Priestley

But Rosa soon made the discovery that Miss Twinkleton didn't read fairly. She cut the love-scenes, interpolated passages in praise of female celibacy, and was guilty of other glaring pious frauds.

Charles Dickens

Why are there five syllables in the word monosyllabic?

Steven Wright

Get up, you useless lump, get up!

J.K. Rowling

Every intelligent being, whether it breathes or not, coughs nervously at some time in its life.

Terry Pratchett

Jesting is often only indigence of intellect.

Jean de la Bruyere

With actors like Steve McQueen, Paul Newman and Harrison Ford, what made them such icons is that even in dramatic movies, their characters had a sense of humor.

Patrick Wilson

I tried to go out for theater or theater arts, but I was too scared or too intimidated. But I had a lot of friends on the cross country team that had great senses of humor.

Dana Carvey

A woman has to be intelligent, have charm, a sense of humor, and be kind. It's the same qualities I require from a man.

Catherine Deneuve