Humor Quotes

I think my sense of humor is Jewish. I'm smarter than most white people, which is kind of a Jewish thing, too.

Jim Goad

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Steven Wright

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world.

Steven Wright

This is a feminist bookstore. There is no humor section.

John Callahan

My shoulder will never be the same. I expect you to nurse me back to health.'-Jace'Just break the door down, will you?'-Clary

Cassandra Clare

It was such ecstacy to dream, and dream - till you got a bite.A scorpion bite. Then the first duty was to get up out of the grass and kill the scorpion; and the next to bathe the bitten place with alcohol or brandy; and the next to resolve to keep out of the grass in the future. Then came an adjournment to the bedchamber and the pastime of writing up the day's journal with one hand and the destruction of mosquitoes with the other - a whole community of them at a slap. Then, observing an enemy approaching - a hairy tarantula on stilts - why not set the spittoon on him? It is done, and the projecting ends of his paws give a luminous idea of the magnitude of his reach. Then to bed and become a promenade for a centipede with forty-two legs on a side and every foot hot enough to burn a whole through a raw-hide. More soaking with alcohol, and a resolution to examine the bed before entering it, in future. Then wait, and suffer, till all the mosquitoes in the neighborhood have crawled in under the bar, then slip out quickly, shut them in and sleep peacefully on the floor till morning. Meantime, it is comforting to curse the tropics in occasional wakeful intervals.

Mark Twain

Good evening, gentlemen!' said the vampire. 'Please pay attention. I am a vampire, which is to say, I am a bundle of repressed instincts held together with spit and coffee. It would be wrong to say that violent, tearing carnage does not come easily to me. It's tearing your throats out that doesn't come easily to me. Please don't make it any harder.

Terry Pratchett

Well, darkness with humor... I'm not an extremely suicidal or sad person.

Peter Steele

I get it,' said the prisoner. 'Good Cop, Bad Cop, eh?'If you like.' said Vimes. 'But we're a bit short staffed here, so if I give you a cigarette would you mind kicking yourself in the teeth?

Terry Pratchett

Wit, after all, is the unfailing symptom of intelligence.

Christopher Hitchens

Studies have shown that an ant can carry one hundred times its own weight, but there is no known limit to the lifting power of the average tiny eighty-year-old Spanish peasant grandmother.

Terry Pratchett

My dull brain was wrought with things forgotten.

William Shakespeare

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Terry Pratchett

In looking for humor, keep in mind this guideline: Sometimes it takes a little time to see the humor in your upsets you may not find something to laugh about immediately.

Allen Klein

If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all.

Rodney Dangerfield

Even if I could, I wouldn't. Scars can come in handy. I have one myself above my left knee that is a perfect map of the London Underground.

J.K. Rowling

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

Steven Wright

I asked her if she enjoys a cigarette after sex. She said...No, one drag is enough.

Rodney Dangerfield

Because - oh shut up laughing, you two - because they've just been turned down by girls they asked to the ball!

J.K. Rowling

I take my only exercise acting as a pallbearer at the funerals of my friends who exercise regularly.

Mark Twain