Humor Quotes

Note for Americans and other aliens: Milton Keynes is a new city approximately halfway between London and Birmingham. It was built to be modern, efficient, healthy, and, all in all, a pleasant place to live. Many Britons find this amusing.

Neil Gaiman

I like talking to a brick wall- it's the only thing in the world that never contradicts me!

Oscar Wilde

Igor?' said Moist. 'You have an Igor?'Oh, yes,' said Hubert. 'That's how I get this wonderful light. They know the secret of storing lightning in jars! But don't let that worry you, Mr Lipspick. Just because I'm employing an Igor and working in a cellar doesn't mean I'm some sort of madman, ha ha ha!'Ha ha,' agreed Moist.Ha hah hah!,' said Hubert. 'Hahahahahaha!! Ahahahahahahhhhh!!!!!-'Bent slapped him on the back. Hubert coughed.Sorry about that, it's the air down here,' he mumbled.

Terry Pratchett

I WILL NOT TOLERATE MENTION OF YOUR ABNORMALITY UNDER THIS ROOF!

J.K. Rowling

If I didn't try to eavesdrop on every bus ride I take or look for the humor when I go for a walk, I would just be depressed all the time.

Lynda Barry

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Oscar Wilde

I put hardwood floors on top of walltowall carpet.

Steven Wright

I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman.

Steven Wright

The true reader reads every work seriously in the sense that he reads it whole-heartedly, makes himself as receptive as he can. But for that very reason he cannot possibly read every work solemly or gravely. For he will read 'in the same spirit that the author writ.'... He will never commit the error of trying to munch whipped cream as if it were venison.

C.S. Lewis

I think God has a tremendous sense of humor.

Rainn Wilson

Whether planned or not, humor takes our mind off of our troubles.

Allen Klein

Humor is the instinct for taking pain playfully.

Max Eastman

If you could choose one characteristic that would get you through life, choose a sense of humor.

Jennifer Jones

A lot of people into Tool, for some reason, are not interested in humor.

Maynard James Keenan

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world...perhaps you've seen it.

Steven Wright

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.

Steven Wright

I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I took her to a dog show and she won first prize.

Rodney Dangerfield

As far as informing the headmaster, Harry had no idea where Dumbledore went during the summer holidays. He amused himself for a moment, picturing Dumbledore, with his long silver beard, full-length wizard's robes, and pointed hat, stretched out on a beach somewhere, rubbing suntan lotion onto his long crooked nose.

J.K. Rowling

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't knowwhat to feed it.

Steven Wright

By the time she had interpreted Harry's dreams at the top of her voice (all of which, even the ones that involved eating porridge, apparently foretold a gruesome and early death), he was feeling much less sympathetic toward her.

J.K. Rowling