Humor Quotes

(...) perfectly ordinary books, printed on commonplace paper in mundane ink. It would be a mistake to think that they weren't also dangerous, just because reading them didn't make fireworks go off in the sky. Reading them sometimes did the more dangerous trick of making fireworks go off in the privacy of the reader's brain.

Terry Pratchett

Here comes Monseiur Le Beau.Rosalind: With his mouth full of news.Celia: Which he will put on us, as pigeons feed their young.Rosalind: Then shall we be news-crammed.Celia: All the better; we shall be the more marketable.

William Shakespeare

This was a vagrant of sixty-five, who was going to prison for playing the flute; or, in other words, for begging in the streets, and doing noting for his livelihood. In the next cell, was another man, who was going to the same prison for hawking tin saucepans without a licence; thereby doing something for his living, in defiance of the Stamp-office.

Charles Dickens

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings...Boy With Pail...Kitten On Fire.

Steven Wright

Good humor is one of the preservatives of our peace and tranquility

Thomas Jefferson

If I ever have sex with someone I might be able to develop a sense of humor.

Kate Beckinsale

I saw a sign: Rest Area 25 Miles. That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.

Steven Wright

You're dead, George. You just don't have the sense to lie down.

Stephen King

I see a light in the kitchen. Let us not deprive Molly any longer of the chance to deplore how thin you are.

J.K. Rowling

After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

Steven Wright

What a situation!' cried Miss Squeers; '...What is the reason that men fall in love with me, whether I like it or not, and desert their chosen intendeds for my sake?' 'Because they can't help it, miss,' replied the girl; 'the reason's plain.' (If Miss Squeers were the reason, it was very plain.)

Charles Dickens

I went to see my doctor. Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror . . . I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me? He said, I don't know but your eyesight is perfect.

Rodney Dangerfield

He was painfully shy, which, as is often the manner of the painfully shy, he overcompensated for by being too loud at the wrong times.

Neil Gaiman

I hope you're pleased with yourselves. We could all have been killed - or worse, expelled. Now if you don't mind, I'm going to bed.

J.K. Rowling

And it's Gryfindor in possession again, as Johnson takes the Quaffle - Flint alongside her - poke him in the eye, Angelina - it was a joke, professor, it was a joke...

J.K. Rowling

I was born by Caesarean section... But not so you'd notice.It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through thewindow.

Steven Wright

I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back...Boy, were they mad!

Steven Wright

My father always said that government is like watching another man piss in your boot. Someone feels better but it certainly isn't you.

Orson Scott Card

Humor can be one of our best survival tools.

Allen Klein

Why are you worrying about You-Know-Who? You should be worrying about You-Know-Poo- the constipation sensation that's gripping the nation!

J.K. Rowling