Humor Quotes

A boy who once wiped his ass with poison ivy probably doesn't belong in a smart people's club.

Stephen King

I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She looks like she came in second in a hatchet fight!

Rodney Dangerfield

It's continuously humbling to work hard, you know? As long as you've got a good work ethic and a sense of humor, I don't think anybody can become too much of an egoist under those circumstances.

Rachael Ray

The post on her left was occupied by Mr. Erskine of Treadley, an old gentleman of considerable charm and culture, who had fallen, however, into bad habits of silence, having, as he explained once to Lady Agatha, said everything that he had to say before he was thirty.

Oscar Wilde

And you know, whether it's drama or comedy, the best work is based on truth. It's just that, with comedy, the circumstances are just crazy-heightened, and you have these crazy things thrown at you. But you still have to do it truthfully, because that's where the humor comes from. So it's not that difficult to cross over.

Tony Hale

Me and Matt love to argue, but in general our sense of humor is pretty much alike.

Trey Parker

I think humor is a very serious thing. I use it as a way of weakening the reader's defenses so that I can more easily take him to something more.

William Collins

Ministry of Magic (M.O.M) Classification.xxxxx Known wizard killer / impossible to train or domesticate / or anything Hagrid likes

J.K. Rowling

Along with the standard computer warranty agreement which said that if the machine 1) didn't work, 2) didn't do what the expensive advertisements said, 3) electrocuted the immediate neighborhood, 4) and in fact failed entirely to be inside the expensive box when you opened it, this was expressly, absolutely, implicitly and in no event the fault or responsibility of the manufacturer, that the purchaser should consider himself lucky to be allowed to give his money to the manufacturer, and that any attempt to treat what had just been paid for as the purchaser's own property would result in the attentions of serious men with menacing briefcases and very thin watches. Crowley had been extremely impressed with the warranties offered by the computer industry, and had in fact sent a bundle Below to the department that drew up the Immortal Soul agreements, with a yellow memo form attached just saying: 'Learn, guys...

Neil Gaiman

I like the dreams of the future better than the history of the past.

Thomas Jefferson

My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There are a pair of shoes on the dashboard. they belong to the last guy she hit

Rodney Dangerfield

I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?

Steven Wright

molesting the vampire while he's too weak to fight back, iz? jace asked. i'm pretty sure that violates at least one of the accords.

Cassandra Clare

I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

Steven Wright

Prior to Wordsworth, humor was an essential part of poetry. I mean, they don't call them Shakespeare comedies for nothing.

William Collins

You are not angry with people when you laugh at them. Humor teaches tolerance.

W. Somerset Maugham

The man who regards his own life and that of his fellow creatures as meaningless is not merely unhappy but hardly fit for life.

Albert Einstein

Even celebrities, most people have a sense of humor. Most of the people we meet who we've done on the show, like it.

Matt Stone

...or because he got eighteen years when he should have gotten more.''Seventeen,' Gus corrected.'I'm assuming you've got some time, you interrupting bastard.

John Green

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

Steven Wright