Humor Quotes

Sometimes Americans don't quite get my sense of humor. My good ol' British sarcasm seems to go over their heads.

Lee Westwood

The Lord prefers common-looking people. That is why he made so many of them.

Abraham Lincoln

It is not length of life, but depth of life.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

The average man is proof enough that a woman can take a joke.

Source Unknown

Humor has justly been regarded as the finest perfection of poetic genius.

Thomas Carlyle

Man is the only animal that laughs and weeps, for he is the only animal that is struck with the difference between what things are and what they ought to be.

William Hazlitt

Well, dinner would have been splendid

Sir Winston Churchill

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It wasin the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but theyweren't included. So I had to buy them again.

Steven Wright

Dost thou love life? Then do not squander time, for that is the stuff life is made of.

Benjamin Franklin

There are things of deadly earnest that can only be mentioned under the cover of a joke.

J. J. Procter

I took a baby shower.

Steven Wright

Y'all smoke to enjoy it. I smoke to die.

John Green

The figures looked more or less human. And they were engaged in religion. You could tell by the knives (it's not murder if you do it for a god).

Terry Pratchett

She was satisfied with the answer God had given Moses from the burning bush when Moses had seen fit to question. Who are you? Mose asks, and God comes back from that bush just as pert as you like: I Am, Who I AM. In other words, Mose, stop beatin around this here bush and get your old ass in gear.

Stephen King

Oh, I hate the cheap severity of abstract ethics!

Oscar Wilde

Duty has a trick of behaving unexpectedly -- something like a heavy friend whom we have amiably asked to visit us, and who breaks his leg within our gates.

George Eliot

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.

Rodney Dangerfield

What are imitation rhinestones?

Steven Wright

Great men are rarely isolated mountain peaks they are the summits of ranges.

Thomas W. Higginson

Witticisms please as long as we keep them within boundaries, but pushed to excess they cause offense.

Phaedrus