Humor Quotes

Are you planning on following a career in Magical Law, Miss Granger?' asked Scrimgeour. 'No, I'm not,'retorted Hermione. 'I'm hoping to do some good in the world!

J.K. Rowling

I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got thewires backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returnedthem to my friend, he said, Hey, these records are all blank.

Steven Wright

People may think of Southern humor in terms of missing teeth and outhouse accidents, but the best of it is a rich vein running through the best of Southern literature.

Roy Blount, Jr.

When I was born..the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father...I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...but he pulled through.

Rodney Dangerfield

In a word, we may reasonably hope for the virtual abolition of education when has fully had its way. All incentives to learn and all penalties for not learning will vanish.The few who might want to learn will be prevented; who are they to overtop their fellows? And anyway the teachers--or should I say, nurses?--will be far too busy reassuring the dunces and patting them on the back to waste any time on real teaching. We shall no longer have to plan and toil to spread imperturable conceit and incurable ignorance among men. The little vermin themselves will do it for us.

C.S. Lewis

My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

Rodney Dangerfield

I have a map of the United States...actual size. It says, Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile. I spent last summer folding it. I also have a fullsize map of the world. I hardly ever unroll it.

Steven Wright

25 And the Lord spake unto the Angel that guarded the eastern gate, saying 'Where is the flaming sword that was given unto thee?'26 And the Angel said, 'I had it here only a moment ago, I must have put it down some where, forget my own head next.'27 And the Lord did not ask him again.

Neil Gaiman

Never say a humorous thing to a man who does not possess humor. He will always use it in evidence against you.

Sir Herbert Beerbohm Tree

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie.

Rodney Dangerfield

Cards and boards, [Johnny] thought. And the dead. That's not dark forces. Making a fuss about cards and heavy metal and going on about Dungeons and Dragons stuff because it's got demon gods in it is like guarding to door when is really coming up through the floorboards. Real dark forces... aren't dark. They're sort of gray, like Mr. Grimm. They take all the color out of life; they take a town like Blackbury and turn it into frightened streets and plastic signs and Bright New Futures and towers where no one wants to live and no one really live. The dead seem more alive than us. And everyone becomes gray and turns into numbers and then, somewhere, someone starts to do arithmetic...

Terry Pratchett

One's real life is often the life that one does not lead.

Oscar Wilde

I had a quicksand box as a kid. I was an only child... eventually.

Steven Wright

I hope to-morrow will be a fine day, Lane.It never is, sir.Lane, you're a perfect pessimist.I do my best to give satisfaction, sir.

Oscar Wilde

My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.

Rodney Dangerfield

Even the gods love jokes

Plato

I've learned to have a sense of humor about myself. Lord knows everyone else does!

Debbie Gibson

And I would be the first to admit that probably, in a lot of press conferences over the time that I have been in coaching, indulging my own sense of humor at press conferences has not been greatly to my benefit.

Bobby Knight

I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, I don't know, no one has ever made it.

Rodney Dangerfield

So many things to see, people to do.

Neil Gaiman